Chapter 17

That night the two slept together for the first time since word of Skither’s fall. Kalus had no strength even to touch, and was moved not at all by his lover’s gentle caresses and quiet words, nor even by the tears he wiped apologetically from her eyes as she said, ‘I understand.’ From this more than any other token, he knew that the blows absorbed of a lifetime had finally taken their toll. He was like a hurt fighter, hanging on, half waiting for the knockout blow.

He woke feeling little bitter, his emotions still dazed and floundering, to find the girl reading quietly on the stairs that led to the silent altar. The sight reminded him of their first meeting, when he had nearly died a physical death. Perhaps this dull anguish was not as bad...

Then he saw Kamela, and his hopelessness returned. It was almost as if she longed for death, in any form. There was no other way to read the blank despair of her eyes. Akar rested stoically beside the girl, his own thoughts hidden from view. Only the pup was stirring, poking impatiently at her mother’s underside and whining plaintively for food. None had eaten meat for several days, and the she-wolf’s undamaged breasts were dry.

Sylviana rose and came closer, gently brushing his hair with her fingers. ‘I have to hunt,’ he said flatly. Then suddenly as she turned away he pulled her close and buried his head against her.

‘Forgive me,’ he said. And with those words a flicker of feeling came back to him.

‘It’s all right,’ she said. ‘Let it out.’ But he could not let it out. His body would not allow the expenditure. ‘ ... When do you have to hunt?’

‘In the afternoon, when the sun is warmer and I am stronger. I feel so weak.’ He shook his head to fight off a tear of exhaustion. ‘Is there any water left?’ She brought it, along with a half-filled bowl of sebreum. He ate readily, though his body cried out for meat.

She sat beside him on the bed, speaking softly and brushing out his hair. It did not matter what she said. Her voice was like music, and her nearness and touch a therapy no money could buy. And like a sleeper woken by a lover’s kiss, he began to respond. His body was still very weak, but Kalus was a creature whose heart held the key to all survival.

And he began to remember that he was, in fact, a survivor. The fiery vigor of his soul spoke words of endurance and starting again. In the middle of a sentence he reached over and kissed her with his lips, teeth and tongue, and half playfully, half longingly, bit her cheek.

As he drew back, knowing he had not the strength, he was struck by the look she gave him, her face so close. And he was jarred to his very bones by the realization ... that she wanted him. WANTED him.

All his life, the best he had hoped for was a companion who would tolerate him, and be grateful for his strength and affection. But in Sylviana’s eyes there was a longing as deep and real as his. Perhaps she even loved ... HIM. In his current state it was almost too much, and he became afraid. Again, through the wild hopes she inspired in him, he felt the fear of losing her, or of being killed himself. His face could not hide the intensity of what he was feeling.

‘What is it?’ she asked. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘I don’t know. I ... You know that I am weak now. Is that all right?’

She took his head to her chest in an outpouring of emotion as primal as any she had ever known. ‘Yes. It’s all right.’ And in that moment of honesty and total surrender, she did love him. But she too backed away, because they were not yet in a place to feel love all the way. She cleared her eyes, breathed in and stood up straight.

‘Right now you’re going to eat again, and I don’t want to hear about rationing. You’ve been putting out for weeks, and it’s time you took something back in. Then you’re going to lie down and rest. Understood?’ He nodded, and touched her hair. Then she took his bowl and went into the back.

He too felt the need to surrender, and to trust, as Skither had told him. He remembered his words. ‘Do not carry the weight alone. It will crush you.’ Yes, he felt nearly crushed. Whatever end would come of it, this day at least he must let go.