Chapter 43

All that morning Kalus stayed away, not wanting Sylviana to see him, not wanting to destroy for Kataya what they had shared the night before. The gesture was not entirely noble: now more than ever he found it impossible to think or plan, and simply did not know what else to do.

But as various members of the company began to return early from their labors, as if by mutual consent at the fine Spring weather, the amiable Smith accosted him in the place where he sat brooding. The youngest of the company, he had a pleasant, almost boyish face, with sandy hair and a light moustache. He took Kalus up as if they were old friends, and insisted they share a bottle of wine to celebrate the day. Kalus hardly felt like celebrating, and was half fearful of the liquor’s effect on him; but the other’s friendly oblivion made it all but impossible to say no. So at last, wearily, he consented.

The two went briefly to the botanist’s rooms to fetch it, then turned themselves again out of doors. There in the clear space by the tables Kalus saw the two women: Kataya, who looked up from her work and smiled faintly, and Sylviana, who did not smile, though she could not entirely hide her relief at seeing him at all. But the embers of her anger still smoldered, waiting only for a restless wind to stoke them again to withering fire.

The two men moved to the crest of the hill which formed one border of the grassy bowl in which the others had gathered, and sat beneath the speckled shade of a young tree that grew there. From here they could survey the company without feeling too close, and therefore inhibited. Smith opened the bottle, and after taking several large gulps (despite the assumed bravado he was nervous, and uncertain how to proceed) passed it to Kalus, who was much more cautious.

In time he felt the liquor, though he was not overwhelmed by it. Yet he spoke little, gazing wistfully into the small valley at the two women he had loved: desiring again the one, though he rebuked himself for it, loving, and at the same time hating, the fallen angel of his heart. Smith observed this, and failing in his attempts at indirect conversation, spoke more plainly.

‘I guess by now the Doc has explained to you something of our breeding problem ... Dave Rawlings can be a bit blunt---subtle as a truck, really---but he generally says the things that need to be said. About mating, for example, and children.’ Kalus turned toward him curiously, as Smith pretended not to notice.

‘He and I were just talking about it last night, and do you know what he said? ‘Stop screwing around and just ask them. Enough of this timidity. It’s high time for those of us who can still procreate to get down to some serious fucking.’’

If Smith had stopped talking long enough, Kalus would have gotten up and walked away from what seemed to him a lunatic assault on those things he held most dear. But he did not stop.

‘We’ve all been in rather a state of shock the past year, sexually as well as otherwise. And of course we had plenty of other things to think about first: constructing the shelters, laying up food for the Winter.’

‘Survival,’ said Kalus bluntly. ‘Just like everyone else.’

‘Yes ... Are you angry with me?’

The man-child studied the face of the other, finding nothing but friendship, sensitivity and good intentions. ‘No,’ he said sadly. ‘I don’t know what to feel.’

‘Should we talk about this another time?’

‘What would it change?’

‘Probably nothing,’ said Smith ruefully. ‘You understand that I’m only speaking for the good of the group. We’re a family, really.’

‘But one without children,’ added Kalus sympathetically.

‘Yes. We need them ... or everything we do dies with us. Along with all hope for the future.’ He took another drink to keep from betraying emotion. But this only augmented, rather than submerging the yearning for life that so overwhelmed him. ‘The sound of their laughter,’ he began again, his eyes welling. The wail of newborn life ... would be such blessed relief from the dry, sterile sound of our own voices.’