Chapter 23: Spinning Stars

I don’t know what a Napoleonic complex is! You can’t prove anything! What? What’re you talking about? You’re crazy! Of course I don’t make up for my shortcomings! What shortcomings?! I don’t have any! ... Ohh, I get it! You think that, just because I’m small, I have to compensate for this size by acting big, eh? Well, you’ll be wrong then, my friend! I can tell you one thing, we Kobrians may be a proud race, but we’re not, uh, egomaniacs or anything. We’re just ... eh, a proud warrior race! Yeah!!

Okay, okay, enough about that. I see you’re getting impatient. I’m a Kobrian of many talents, and the gift of gab is just one of them. I know I talk too much--all Kobrians are Prima Donnas! The strongest survive, and climb up high on the social ladder to dominate the rest! The weak ... well ... they merely serve the strong. Me? I can tell you this, I’m not weak. Course’, I’m not exactly the strongest critter on my asteroid, but hey, who is??

Anyway, I should get to the point. I do like talking, eh! Well, it’s like this. I’m a Kobrian, right, but I’m not exactly the typical, “oh let’s stay on the asteroid and have another war”-type. I’m one of the kinds that likes to, eh, participate in other activities, like ... well ... taking advantage of our advanced transportation technology! Yeah! Hey, it’s all legal! I mean, it’s not like, uh ... I’m engaged in illegal crime or anything, which I’m not!

Of course, some people would disagree with me. Those are the kinds of idiots that chase after me, demanding some kind of vengeance or debt from me. I get a lot of debt collectors these days, most of them real, some not. I don’t remember how many people I need to owe money to, or how much money those people owe me. A Kobrian like me can be pulled in so many directions at once, so it gets a little confusing! I can’t help it!

I remember this one time where I received three debt collectors all in the same day. Ha, now that was a bad day, eh! See, I was just minding my own business in my little shack, trying to fix a, eh, a “broken machine”, when all of a sudden, I get a knock at my door! Now, Kobrians don’t like to be interrupted, so I was in a real pissed mood when I answered the door. Me, being a “small” guy, I might make a few people laugh and smile, but there’s nothing funny about me!!

Anyway, when I opened the door, I saw these people on the other side, and they were all carrying weapons with them, like they were going to attack me! Hey, you think they is stupid, coming to a Kobrian’s house, asking for a fight? I know I did! So, I says to them, “Hey! Whaddya’n wantin’ from me?”, and they says, “We have come to collect a ‘debt’ from you, Sahn JJ Runtharee!”

Ho, boy. The curses I could have said. Well, I asked them what kind of debts I owed them, and who they were, and they were just looking at me like I didn’t have a clue. They all powered up their weapons and aimed them at me, and even had the gall to say, “Come with us peacefully and we’ll do you no harm. Resist, and you fry.” Oh, no! Whatever am I going to do? They’re going to burn me! Hahahahaha!!!

So, in response to their stupid ultimatum, I gets into a fighting position and I tell them to bring it on! Hehehe, and here’s my shining moment! I get out my beam whip, and snap it out so it’s real long, and I flick it around to tell them I’m serious! Of course, these stupid lunks get out their own weapons, and I’m all laughing, because these stupid cheese-heads are going into a fight with a Kobrian! As if they could win!

Well, to spare all the kids the violent scenes, I’m just going to say that I literally mopped the floor with those people. Hey, I don’t want the little bugs to get all these bad images in their heads, and besides, ehh ... my floor was dirty. Yeah! It was dirty, so eh, I mopped it up! Hehehe...

Anyway, I decided that it would be best to, eh ... go on a vacation then! Yeah! Or at least, I could leave the house for a few days. I mean, if these people knew where I lived, then it’d do me good to, ah, live elsewhere for awhile! Yeah! ... Hey now, don’t you be giving me those looks! If you think that I’d stick around and let a few more “debt collectors” invade my Kobrian privacy, then you is stupid! I like to fight, ya, but, eh ... I don’t like my privacy invaded! Anyway, that house stunk. It was too dirty, even after the mopping I gave it. It was time to move on elsewhere!

Now and again, I run out of luck, or else I just never seem to have enough with me at the moment. No sooner had I began to flap out onto the street, did I run into a few others who had a “debt” to collect. Now, I was in this very disagreeable mood, since my privacy had been invaded just a few minutes ago, so I really didn’t like the idea of having to mess with a few more people. But these guys, they were persistent, eh! They got all these weapons out, and aimed them straight at me!

“Sahn,” they says, “we have you surrounded! You know why we’re all here, so don’t play dumb and do us a favor! It seems you owe each and every one of us a little ‘debt’!”

“You stupeed granshiv’kaads!“ I swore. “You honestly theenk your leel’ weapons can hurt me? Ey, look! My hide ees as theeck as a rock! You’d need some bad bombs to blast me apart, eh!” But hey, no sooner did I shut my big fat yapper did they release their “bad bombs”: a few tanks, a few rocket launchers, a flame thrower, nets, tasers, the whole works! I, uh, I didn’t exactly feel on top of the world at that moment, if you know what I mean.

So, I flew away a little, trying to look all innocent, and they just kept on glaring at me! Of course, I didn’t have anywhere to run, since there was like a million of them there, so I guess I didn’t have much of a choice ... Of course, you know that I fought them all! What, did you just think that I’d shrink away like a little coward?! I may be golden in color, but my belly sure isn’t yellow, I can tell you that!

... Again, for the sake of the little kiddies out there, I won’t say what happened after that. I will tell that the battle was a big one: all of me against all of them! Oy, by the asteroids, it was a colossal fight! I was ... zooming everywhere, blasting things with my whip! Wham, kapow! Zoom! Swish, swipe, swing, boom!! There went the tanks, exploding everywhere! The bombs blew up, burning the air and scorching my wings! Ouch! Hey, you, that hurts!

... Oops, sorry! Hehehe, I got a little carried away. I said that I wouldn’t get into details because of the kids, right? And yet here I am, keeping my big fat yapper wide open! I’m already probably making a few people uneasy! Hehehe ... ehh, that’s just me. Anyway, to make long story short, I knew that if I kept on fighting, I would eventually lose. I mean, I love a good battle, but hey--I’m not stupid. I know when I’ll get beat, and there were way too many people there for me to fight! So, eh, I, uh ... well, I ... uh, decided to go look for my new house! Yeah, that’s it!