Preface

What Came Before

Subtitled -
How to condense over 1.2 million words into less than a chapter!

Alternate universes exist. I know that, and some of our scientists have proven it beyond a shadow of a doubt. I know this because there are alternate versions of me out there, with variations to my powers and skills. Some of them are, politely, lame people. Some of them are megalomaniacs. I’m somewhere in between.

This is the fourth volume of my autobiography. If you haven’t read the first three volumes, I highly recommend it. I think the author’s a nice guy. If you don’t have time, you should make some, because otherwise this book is going to be REALLY confusing.

A brief (!) synopsis of Book One:

I was born on a planet twenty-seven light years from Earth. I’ve tried to convert things into common Earth measurements, based upon the area of Earth where I ... finished growing up, basically. So, inches, pounds, feet, miles. I screwed up several times in converting things, including my initial age. My planet had a year equivalent to 443 Earth days. A rogue white dwarf star got too close to my home planet, my parents stuffed me into an experimental rocket ship, I spent some time in suspended animation, and crash landed just outside of Hutchinson, Kansas, in late August of 1984.

While I’m just as human as everyone else, I have a vestigial organ, meaning one that’s like the appendix. It’s there, we just don’t know why. Under proper radiation, such as from Earth’s Sun, I ended up with a lot of abilities that no one ever had at home. Speed, the power of flight, microscopic, telescopic, and some kind of laser vision, and skin basically invulnerable to normal damage, like being shot with a gun – or a cannon.

I also ended up with something else that I didn’t have at home, and that’s a girlfriend. Yes, I was both single and a virgin at home. The daughter of the farmer that owned the mine I’d crashed in took care of both of those. All farmer’s daughter jokes aside, they could have turned me in to the government, and they didn’t. Beth fell in love with me and Harry, her father, had slightly ambiguous morals. Beth figured that I could become the big man at her school, and the kids there wouldn’t treat her like they had been. Net result is I found some buried Spanish treasure, and we sold some of it for a lot of money.

Enter into my life Judge Elroy T. Bannister.

Elroy and Harry’s father had served in World War Two together. Elroy came home with a LOT of money, used it to help improve the city, and set himself up as the feudal baron of Reno County, Kansas. Over the thirty-nine years since the end of World War Two, Elroy had grown in power such that the Governor, both Senators, and all of the State representatives from both parties owed him their jobs.

Elroy is an honest politician. That means when he is bought, he stays bought. So I gave him a ‘campaign contribution’ and gifted him with a couple pounds of gold. Yes, I said pounds, not ounces. I’d found a lot of treasure. Elroy greased the wheels, got me the needed paperwork, and set my age at sixteen, so I could enroll in school.

Remember I said I lost my virginity? So did Beth, to me. We found out that my sperm can ‘jump start’ certain abilities in Earth girls, as Beth and I ended up mentally linked.

I found I could move faster than a speeding bullet when the Vice-Principal at school went psycho and tried to kill Beth and me. He would have died if a policeman hadn’t had a tracheotomy kit. Oh, and we were fine, I simply caught the bullets.

Because Elroy had made everything show that I’d been home schooled, I didn’t think about trying out for football. I was going to go out for basketball later on, though. The Principal had other ideas, took me to see the Coach, and had me try out. Even without using any of my powers and abilities, I was in great physical shape. Earth is a smaller planet than my home world, so gravity is slightly less here. That meant I naturally am a darned good athlete – such that I ended up Varsity Quarterback. Our team had been known as a perennial middle of the road losing team. This year, the Salthawks were going to be a little different.

Beth had two lifelong friends that also quickly became my girlfriends and lovers. The three of them had been outcasts, so a racist football player took exception to that. He found out that punching a concrete block wall isn’t good, and got kicked out. The father of another student decided I wasn’t going to come in and take over his football team, and attacked me. I simply held him until the police showed up, and they took care of that ... permanently.

Harry hooked back up with his old girlfriend, Emily. She worked at the bank, and helped me with the literally hundreds of millions of dollars of treasure I’d found. That also helped take care of Eve and Dora’s parents objections.

I was raised under a different moral and ethical code than any that existed on Earth, so when Eve’s brother was injured in a terrorist attack while serving as a US Marine in Beirut, Lebanon, I reacted as I felt I should. That meant I killed a lot of terrorists in Beirut and in their sponsor nation of Iran.

We’d won three football games by this point. Harry and Emily decided to get married, so we had their wedding between a JV and Varsity game, then they went on a romantic honeymoon. Elroy tried to be sneaky and set me up with some investment people that included his own niece, Margie. She had an MBA from Wharton and was 25 years old. She also had an issue, in that she was so smart men didn’t interest her. Until she met me. Literally two hours after meeting her, she was in the barn hayloft with me, losing her own virginity with men, fell in love with me, and was moving in with us that night.

The third war buddy of Harry’s dad and Elroy was Federal Judge Earl O’Connor. With Harry’s dad having been dead for a long time, Earl and Elroy were both thinking of retiring. With my money, I could help Reno County and Kansas like he had been doing, especially if I was also investing theirs as well. Elroy’s daughters weren’t his kids, as Elroy was rendered sterile in the war. He only had Margie and Emily as his family to inherit, and Earl had no one because his son had died in Vietnam. They dumped it all onto me.

The only way to make sure any kids I might have would have a safe world to grow up in and live on was to end war. All of them. I created the Messenger from Above, went to Iran and Iraq, and pretty much destroyed most of their air forces and navies. I also left a mark in Switzerland, in front of their embassies, to end the fighting.

I’d been caught on camera, but I was wearing a costume that hid my face. I later found a proper uniform when exploring my spaceship’s capsule, so I wore that when I went to New York and left a mark in front of the UN Building. I made sure I had people to witness me flying, and using my laser vision. Iran and Iraq had already noted I blew up most of their militaries, and shooting me hadn’t done any good, either.

I came home, went with Margie to California and Washington to invest in Cisco and Microsoft, and pretty much showed off my computer skills. A young woman named Marcia that worked at Microsoft had a similar response to me that Margie did, so before long, I had five girlfriends living with me.

Eve’s father had a psychotic breakdown because he couldn’t handle that I had this much money. He ended up in the mental health lockdown unit at the hospital.

As the Messenger from Above, I destroyed the Afghanistan poppy fields and ordered the Soviet Army out. I then flew to Moscow, destroyed Lenin’s Tomb in four seconds flat, and told the head of the Soviet Union to tell Israel to plan for a meeting in Tel-Aviv between them and the leaders of the nations they were having issues with.

Syria decided they didn’t want to play, so I destroyed their infrastructure, including their hidden poison gas factories. I then showed the world leaders that the Messenger wasn’t playing games by crushing the gun of an assassin into a small cube, and then tossing him into the Mediterranean from three miles away. He skipped a couple of times before sinking.

I created a wind turbine that used magnetic bearings and a chemical my Dad had come up with for his rocket science. I wanted to help Hutchinson and Reno County, since under my code of ethics, this was my home and as the leader of the home, it was my job to care for everyone. I wanted those built and manufactured there.

Pakistan was still acting up, so I incinerated half their government and put Benazir Bhutto in charge. I also left a mark on the US Embassy there, as well as breaking the legs of all the CIA members present.

The local Baptist Preacher had been against my lifestyle for quite some time, even if I was the best high school quarterback in the country and helping the city, so he ended up attacking the girls and me. He confessed he’d been running a child molesting ring after he found out attacking me wasn’t bright, and I’d crushed his family jewels. That brought all sorts of attention to the town, so to help keep the negative publicity out of the national news, I visited China, threatened them, and then destroyed the North Korean military.

At one point, I picked up a Soviet destroyer from out of a North Korean Harbor where they’d been refueling while trying to comply with my orders, flew it through the air a few miles, then put it back down into the sea. That was on TV, showing that it wasn’t a good idea to screw with the Messenger.

It was time to deal with Washington, so I flew there as the Messenger. I found that I could speak with the souls of the dead that were inhabiting the Vietnam Memorial. I took President Reagan to the Wall, so he would hear and hopefully beat some sense in to Congress.

I met with people from Siemens AG, and they agreed to build a factory to make turbines in Hutchinson. Additional doses of my semen helped make all three of the younger girls much smarter, such that they were able to test out of the rest of high school, so they were starting community college with me. We all took the SAT and ACT tests, because I knew where I wanted to actually go to college.

Eve’s brother, SJ (Stephen, Junior), had been home on medical leave. He’d figured out that I was the Messenger. He thought I would kill him to protect my secret. I told him what I felt. Cal was me, and the Messenger was the secret identity. We had more money coming in, so I put SJ in charge of finding us some airplanes.

China decided that since the Messenger had said that each nation was in charge of its own borders that Taiwan was theirs, so they attacked. I showed them the error of their ways, destroying some of their attacking forces, then laying waste to about a ten mile wide swath of the country, killing more than ten million Chinese in a few seconds. I also destroyed their government. That’s when I flew to the Moon and sculpted the surface there with my mark in an attempt to convince to quit screwing around and listen to me.

After that, I talked to the government of Germany briefly, then flew home. That was just in time to fly in an airplane to California, to meet with the people from Intel about their computer chips, and meet the people of Stanford. I took the MCAT and LSAT, passed both of those with perfect scores, and we made arrangements to live there.

We also met Marcia’s attorney, Leonard Poulson. It turns out that he knew Elroy from after the war. And Marcia was already wealthy, because her father had been the best pyrotechnics man in Hollywood. Marcia had inherited his skills, too. After an evening dinner chatting with Charles Bronson, Jill Ireland, and Patrick Wayne, among others, we came back to Hutchinson. One of the things that Marcia had brought back to Kansas with her was some jewelry her father had found in a cave in Europe.

That jewelry contained gems from my home planet, and Dora’s mother being of Romany heritage and blood knew about them. Dora’s grandmother, Sophia was reported to be a witch, so it was decided there’d be a meeting. I also revealed to Dora’s parents, Roberto and Esmeralda, that I was the Messenger.

She called me the ‘Guardian from Earth’ and said I was the answer to a millennia old legend.

That’s the end of Book One. Pretty neat, huh? Don’t worry, it gets even more complex!

Now for the brief (!) synopsis of Book Two

So, I’m apparently the ‘Guardian of Earth’, which was some kind of Romany prophecy. At least they didn’t freak out about it. The freak out happened when Elroy explained the secret that he and Earl had both been investigating attorneys for the Warren Commission in trying to find out the truth about the JFK assassination. Elroy retired out of the Army not as a Staff Sergeant, like everyone thought, but as a Lieutenant General, and Earl got out as a Brigadier General. But the freaking out wasn’t over yet. Jennifer had an aggressive form of breast cancer, had already sort of fallen for me, and with her husband in jail from being a child molester, decided to have some fun in her life before cancer killed her. That fun involved five girls who were enhanced by me and as we’d found out before, a prostrate massage really stimulated me.

Jennifer got a DNA cleanse of her cancer, tubal ligation reversed and pregnant, and genetically reverted to Eve’s twin. We blamed it on an experimental cancer treatment that everyone in Hutchinson accepted. Toby recognized her immediately, even though Eve was with us. That was when we found out that Staff Sergeant Tobias Kennedy, USMC, and deceased for the last four years, was living on in Toby and helping his otherwise mentally challenged grandson. So pretty much anything we did was known to Tobias, and he helped Toby understand things. We started construction on the Ice-X plants, too.

As the MFA, I saved Indira Gandhi from being assassinated by her own guards and she decided to work peacefully to resolve issues with Pakistan. Since I had time, I stopped in Moscow on my way home. They surprised me by completely agreeing with me and working to help the Orthodox Church. Then I turned the CIA into a molten hole in the ground, since Congress didn’t listen to me. After that, I came back to Kansas and went trick or treating with Toby. Apparently, I made a good Khan in the actual outfit that Ricardo Montalbán wore in the Star Trek movie, so Toby got a lot of candy.

SJ and Elroy went to Seattle to check out an available 737-200. The Boeing engineers played with Ice-X and wanted thousands of gallons of it.