Chapter 15

A lot more people were waiting outside for the fireworks than had been inside for the parties or dinner. Word had apparently circulated that tonight’s show was going to be one to remember. I gathered that having the airspace over everything south of 84 declared off limits for the evening wasn’t something that happened very often. Amazing what kind of pull the Vice-President of the United States has regarding federal airspace.

She reminded me of that as she joined me.

“How long were you planning that little surprise you pulled?”

“What surprise?” I asked, trying to sound innocent.

“You’ll find that I, personally, don’t care one way or the other. However, the law of the United States does.”

“Ah, then I guess it was a good idea that things weren’t conducted under US law, but those of a nation that the United States recognizes. Which, of course, means that the state and local governments of the assorted members of the US have to recognize them,” I said.

She smiled. “You’ve set yourself up. You’re going to have every gay and lesbian couple in the country coming here to have Helen perform their wedding.”

I shook my head. “No, I didn’t. You might want to get the ambassadors here, too, so they can hear this directly.” She nodded, while I figured out where Helen was, and had her join us. Once everyone was together, I said, “Vice-President Kirkpatrick has expressed concern that the Kingdom of the First Peoples has set itself up as the new Las Vegas of wedding chapels for homosexuals. Do any of you have that concern as well?”

Nine of them nodded. I noticed that the Saudi ambassador was the only one that shook his head. I pointed at him.

“Thank you, Your Majesty,” the Saudi Ambassador said. “While my nation, under Islamic Law, does allow for a man to have up to four wives, homosexual marriages are forbidden under Islamic Law, even as some behavior of that type is condoned. It is often found in the more strict and ... less modern, to be polite ... regions. The more close-minded and less willing they are to allow for women’s rights, the more they consider women for breeding, but boys for pleasure. However, this is not what concerns the rest of you.”

He grinned and continued, “I was paying very close attention to the wording that Her Highness used when performing the ceremonies. I was warned by my King that I have two ears, to listen with, and two eyes, to see with, but only one mouth, to put both of my feet in should I open it without thinking first. Her Highness, the Princess Helen, specifically stated that she is the spiritual leader of the First Peoples. She also stated that these people who had come forth seeking marriage are considered members of the First Peoples through the physical and spiritual connections they have with His Majesty, King Lewis. As we are all aware, His Majesty has seventeen wives, which is certainly not against the law of his own kingdom.”

He held up a finger and said, “Now, I know what you’re all thinking. What if one of these couples decides at some future date that they would wish to leave the spiritual and physical connection they have with this kingdom? While I have my personal doubts that such a situation could occur, I suppose just about anything is possible. In that event...” He added, “Your Highness, you disagree?” when he saw Helen shaking her head.

Helen grinned. “That is one of the few things that is truly not possible, Ambassador. There is a reason that marriage between members of the First Peoples is sacred. These are not vows that can be laid aside under the laws of men. These are vows that have taken place in the presence of the Sacred Souls themselves, and they are inviolate. I do not think you fully understand our traditions. The fire between the persons being married is not symbolic, it is a real connection between the Sacred Souls and the spirits of those who are pledging to be with each other. It is very rare, for the First Peoples know this beforehand, but there have been times when the Sacred Souls do not approve or give their blessing. When that happens, and the spiritual leader crosses the flames, the fires will go out. That did not occur at all today. That is also, as I heard someone ask, why there were fifteen individual ceremonies, and not one mass ceremony.”

“Thank you, Your Highness. I understand. That is your answer, Madam Vice-President. People could come and ask. They would be refused, as they are not members of the First People, or of His Majesty’s family.”

Helen nodded. “Now, if you’ll all excuse me, apparently someone has decided that I need to do a bit of singing since it’s now dark.”

I shrugged as she walked off, because I had no idea what that was about.

Bob Barker was set up outside now. He tapped the microphone. I think we must’ve borrowed speakers and amplifiers from Stanford, because it was louder than anything I’d heard before, even during the Kansas state championship football game.

“Good evening, everyone! I hope you’ve had a wonderful afternoon with the birthday parties for Princess Diana and Mister Robert Heinlein, as well as celebrating the wedding of fifteen very lucky couples today. Now that it’s dark, we’re all outside to celebrate the two hundred and ninth birthday of this great nation, the United States of America! As this evening’s celebration would not be possible without His Majesty, King Lewis of the First Peoples, we’ll open things with the singing of his anthem, by Princess Helen Awarai Lewis, and accompanied by the ‘World’s Largest Rock and Roll Band,’ the members of the Leland Stanford Junior University Marching Band!”

She began singing, not in the normal and rapid beat that would be played at sporting events, but in the softer and gentler tone that was appropriate for state events. The band’s wind section played it perfectly, making me wonder just how long they’d had the music.

Of course, the minor detail that Helen wasn’t singing the song in a language that anyone born on this planet knew made it sound even more ethereal. When she made it to the end of the second verse, I heard the full band suddenly kick in, with Holly, Carrie, and Cally suddenly screaming into microphones, “Prepare for Battle!” Half a dozen of the cannons fired as one, sending shells into the sky. The four of them got the next line out, and with the final word of ‘light’ being sung, half a dozen artillery fired starshells burst at the same time, with each shell putting off over four hundred thousand candlepower of light, for a full minute.

The four of them finished singing the song, with more starshells going off during the refrain of the second verse. Things were timed perfectly, with the light going out just as the final refrain went back to the original, softer music, and Helen singing alone again.

Without any interruption in things, the band immediately began playing “The Star Spangled Banner,” again with Helen singing, but this time in English. As she sang the first line, there were suddenly lights in the sky, illuminating what seemed to be a giant American flag descending from the sky. Once the flag was only five hundred feet up, it broke into individual pieces, and everyone on the ground could see it was actually made up of by a group of parachutists that came in for a precision landing on the shorter runway, in time with the words ‘gallantly streaming.’

With them safely out of the way, we now could hear the roar of engines. Our C-130s had all taken off just before dark. Normally you expected cannon fire for ‘bombs bursting in air.’ Ten C-130s – which meant forty Allison turboprop engines – flying in formation at a ground speed of over three hundred fifty miles per hour, make a lot of noise when they’re only two thousand feet up. They also put out a lot of light when they all deploy their flares at the exact same second.

The flares went out, and with the sounds of the engines fading now due to the Doppler Effect, it was easy to hear Helen sing ‘land of the free’ and then hold that note for several seconds, as muted thumps went off in the background. She took a breath and finished the song as more than three dozen multi-colored fireworks went off in the sky.

Bob Barker then said, “Thank you, Your Highness. And now ... Oh, no! I sense a disturbance in the Force!”

I knew from arriving home that we had at least seven field artillery pieces. We had more. A lot more. They were set for their maximum elevation of sixty-six degrees, so anything that landed wouldn’t travel the actual seven miles the gun itself was capable of firing. The other thing was that a typical fireworks mortar round might actually get a thousand feet or so into the air, and then have a starburst three hundred feet in diameter. We’d already seen that the cannons could shoot higher than that with the illumination rounds they’d fired, as those went nearly half a mile up.

The first thing that happened was a series of boom, boom, boom, boom ba-boom, boom, ba-boom as four howitzers fired off in a row, followed by two overlapping shots, then a single one, followed by two more overlapping ones. The length of time between the firing of the first round to the last gave the first shell fired enough time to reach its apex, and then burst. These were 105mm howitzers, firing full charge cartridges, with the ‘bullet’ replaced by fireworks. Those were still four inches in diameter, with more than ten pounds of various assorted explosives and fireworks inside each fifteen inch long projectile, as opposed to the usual two pounds that a regular firework shell might have.

As the guns were all aimed slightly differently, that meant that we were treated to a series of multiple break shells, sending things streaming across the sky for thousands of feet, with huge explosions, sparkles, screamers, and miniature explosions that lasted for nearly a full minute. I don’t think any of us were still standing by the time these finished, everyone was sitting down just watching in awe.

Then the second round of cannons fired, timed to the second line. These rounds created just as big, just as beautiful, explosions in the sky.

As the last sounds reverberated in the distance, the sound of a guitar with the band as backup started. After the opening notes, a mellow harmony started singing, “If tomorrow all the things were gone, I’d worked for all my life.” I closed my eyes and listened as the Lee Greenwood song, ‘God Bless the USA,’ was performed by Cally, Carrie, and Holly.

When that was done, Bob Barker took over again. “Of course, no salute to America could be complete without saluting the brave men and women of our Armed Forces, including the members of the Golden Knights, the US Army Parachute Team, who brought the flag of the United States down from the sky.” At that, the Stanford band began playing the full themes from every branch of the military. Once that was complete, regular fireworks started going off.

Half an hour later, when the actual grand finale was finished, Jeane Kirkpatrick said, “I think that’s the best fireworks show I’ve ever seen. How’d you pull that off?”

Sometime during the show, I’d been joined by Beth, who answered, “We cheated, of course. Marcia has been working on something special for this year ever since we got home from Disney World and took over Fort Riley. Her only regret this year is that she couldn’t get the rounds that were fired from an M109 to stay together long enough to be useful, so she had to make do with 105mm howitzer rounds, instead of using the 155mm self-propelled artillery we have.”

Jokingly, I said, “Maybe next year.”

The British Ambassador blinked, then asked, “You have self-propelled artillery?”

That got laughs from everyone. The Soviet Ambassador said, “Of course he does. Haven’t you been paying attention to the lists of equipment being supplied to His Majesty?”

“I thought everything was being sent to him simply to get it off of the national books, to help reduce maintenance costs since we as nations don’t need as large of military forces any longer.”

The Saudi Ambassador simply shook his head. “We don’t. He does! Who do you think gets to guarantee the peace between nations?”

“Well, the Federation, of course!”

“Where does the Federation get its military forces? Do you think they suddenly materialize out of thin air? Someone has to pay for them! Someone has to store them, has to have the troops ready if needed, has to train them. More important than all that, though, the person that is responsible for them has to be someone we ... our nations ... trust to be fair and impartial. My King has seen fit to make His Majesty a member of the Saudi Royal Family. At the same time, he is also aware that if needed, Federation forces would fight against our military should we use force against our neighbors.”

The Brit frowned. “You talk like His Majesty here runs the Federation. He’s not the President of it, that’s Mister Mondale.”

Jeane Kirkpatrick just shook her head. “Now I see why you’re the Ambassador to the United States, and not to a nation where having a brain is actually necessary.”

I wandered off before that argument really got started, holding Beth’s hand.

We made it over to where the Golden Knights were discussing things with my troops, and it looked like just about everyone from Stanford was hanging around. There were multiple kegs of beer, with tables set up full of plastic cups. Long grills had been set up, and it was obvious that an enormous amount of hot dogs, hamburgers, and potato chips had been and were being consumed.

I got a couple of cups from one of the tables, handing one to Beth.

She grinned. “You know, this is probably going to be the last time we can let our hair down for a while.”

I nodded. “You know, sometimes a deserted island sounds like a good idea. Then there are party times, and I think you’re right.” I drained the beer, and got another. “I love you, Elizabeth Watson Lewis.”

“I love you, California Lewis.” We kissed, then both drained that glass of beer. We each grabbed another and then just walked around, drinking beer and talking with people for the rest of the night.

I opened my left eye. I recognized the ceiling to our bedroom, so that was a good thing. I could feel a body covering the right side of my head, draped over my shoulder as well. I opened that eye, but couldn’t see out of it. Turning my head slightly, I recognized the skin tone.

I twisted my head a little, getting Dora’s hip off me. That was a bit of a mistake, as my head felt awful. I tried licking my lips, and my mouth felt like everything inside was coated in sandpaper.

I tried to say something, but things hurt too much. I heard something terrible, that sounded like a chainsaw was running, but intermittently, to my left. I looked that way and it was Beth, on her back, eyes closed and doing something I’d never heard from her before. Snoring!

Deciding that shaking my head would be a very bad idea, I started concentrating on getting my system back under control. When that didn’t work, I got a little concerned. I pulled my right arm from under Dora. She made a few sounds, then curled up. Under other circumstances, I think the little bit of drool coming from her mouth might have been cute, or at least worthy of blackmail. Right at this moment, I simply felt nauseous.

Shinkai was sitting in a chair by the bed. She saw me stirring and got up. A few seconds later, the rest of my Indian wives came in. They carefully helped me to my feet, then supported me into the bathroom. I wanted to move her hands away when Mina took hold of my penis. However, with them holding me upright, the pressure in my bladder was enormous, and something had to give. It took four of them to keep me upright while Mina kept me pointing in the right direction.

Under other circumstances, it would have been amusing to realize just how long I peed and how much came out. As it was, I was mortified that I had to have Mina keep things aimed into the bowl, because I couldn’t do it myself.

During the time that was going on, Kareena and Mahi had turned on the shower and gotten the soap and towels ready, while Sukhjeet brought over a large cup of water. She held it up so that I could drink all of it. Once I had it down, she then set that cup down, put her fingers over my nose and poured a vile tasting concoction down my throat. Then she picked up a second glass of water and poured that into me.

I immediately started sweating, which also cut off my stream. That was the indicator for them to walk me to the shower and hand me off to Kareena and Mahi, who were patiently waiting for me. The water felt hot, which surprised me. They began scrubbing me down with a loofah and soap, while I simply propped myself up. I was in the shower with them for a good twenty minutes, with a stinky sweat coming out of me for the first ten minutes or so.

They could tell when I finally began feeling somewhat human. The two minxes dropped to their knees in the shower, licking and stroking me. It didn’t take me long at all before I came. That seemed to snap me completely back to clarity.

They stood up, their brown skin pressed against mine, while they both gave me kisses. “Master, we’d like it if you didn’t do that again, at least for a while,” Mahi said.

“It may or may not come as a surprise to you, but I have no idea what you’re talking about. My actual last memory is of Beth and I drinking a glass of beer with the Golden Knights and some of our troops.”

“That doesn’t actually surprise us. We know of something you told General Douglas, that when you could ‘let your hair down,’ you would enjoy it,” Kareena said. “You’ve also been under tremendous stress. Well, you definitely let your hair down.”

“How much trouble am I in?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t call it trouble, as much as public embarrassment. Now that you’re awake and can get dressed, you can join everyone else for lunch, while we await our sister-wives.”

That didn’t bode well for me, but I was no longer unsteady. When no one was looking, I used my telekinesis to get myself another glass of water before I dressed myself. I didn’t want to go back through the bedroom, so I carefully walked around the other way, picking my way through the debris of the computer room.

From the desk, I heard a snorting sound, and picked up the headset.

“Welcome back to the land of the living, Cal.”

“Thank you, Mycroft. I think. Apparently, I’ve done some things that I need to make amends for.”

“Yes, you did, and yes, you do. However, I did learn something very valuable last night. Once you’re done with lunch, come back and I’ll update you.”

My stomach chose that moment to rumble.

I know I had to look puzzled. “How is it that I’m actually hungry?”

“Go eat. What you don’t find out at lunch, we’ll discuss later, as I said.”

I took the headphones off and set them down, then proceeded into the dining area. I was greeted by mostly amused looks from the rest of my wives and the security team. The younger ones weren’t present, but we had several Kansas people seated, and they also looked amused. I couldn’t read Sayel, Yagyu, or William, though.

“We’ve already started, as you can see,” Eve said. “Mostly because it’s some damned good fried chicken. Your plate is already here.” She motioned with her eyes to a spot between her and her mother.

I sat down and simply inhaled. I remember being told this was called comfort food, and they were right. Green beans, corn, mashed potatoes with brown gravy, and fried chicken, along with probably a gallon of sweet tea, was my lunch. I was allowed to eat in silence for the first several minutes, then Elroy spoke up.

“Son, when you cut loose, you really cut loose. I remember you not getting drunk in the least while we were passed out in your living room, and Mike slept in Toby’s room. The stories that Tess tells of you in Florida seem to get larger and more unbelievable every time she repeats them, even if Hannah does support her on just how many ounces of whiskey you drank in a short amount of time. Then you go and pull something like this.”

I swallowed the bite of thigh I had, took a sip of tea to wash it down, and said, “If I had a good time, I have absolutely no idea. By the same token, if I did something terrible and despicable, I also have zero clue. The last thing I remember is simply drinking a couple of glasses of beer with Beth, while talking to the Army parachutists and some of our troops.”

Mike nodded. “That fits. The Knights got into a bit of a drinking contest with some of the football team and our troops. Your other wives have said that Beth asked either Eve or Dora to come over, so that each group would have someone with them that was going to outdrink everyone in that group.”

Eve giggled then. “Dora decided that she wanted to see what would happen, and I’m glad that she did it. Otherwise, I’d be the one passed out.”

“I get that. I’m not sure how it happened, though.”

Mike shook his head, then grimaced a little, putting his hand to his head. “Sorry. I’ve still got a little bit of a hangover myself from last night.”

“Like you’re the only one,” Elroy said. “The main difference is, I’ve got years of experience on you, plus I’ve been ... what’d you call it? Tuned up? Jesus, it was bad enough drinking the beer from the kegs, but when the Gurkhas went back to their houses and brought out their homemade stuff, it started getting to be a party.”

Harry nodded. “I’ll give you one thing, Cal. You, Beth, and Dora were the last three standing. There’s a bit of a joke that the only person that can drink a German under the table is a Japanese. Both Ambassadors sent their drivers back to their embassies for some of their national brew. The British Ambassador got pissed off when you told him that his country’s beer and whiskey was as weak as he was, so he sent his driver back for booze, too. The Soviet Ambassador left, but he came back with an entire truckload of vodka ... and Cuban rum.”

Mike chuckled. “The Chinese Ambassador got into the spirit of things, as it were, too. Some of the drinks the Gurkha had are the same as in China, so he had his driver get things that weren’t duplicated. Anyway, to make a long story short, because there was a lot of drinking over the course of the six hours after the fireworks ended last night, you’re forbidden from ever going near the field artillery again. Also, Vice-President Kirkpatrick said you’re not allowed to throw her Secret Service protective detail into San Francisco Bay ever again, no matter how much she tells you that she thinks they should take a dip. When she gets up, Beth is forbidden from arm-wrestling anyone. Period. Dora ... thank God we got rid of the photographers before things started getting that far out of hand.”

“Do I want to know?” I asked.

“She convinced the Stanford band ... at least those that were still able to stand at that point ... that she was their drum major, so they needed to follow her. They had their instruments and were hitting or trying to play them – and failing miserably, I might add – and she led them into the bay. They followed her, and Eve ended up saving at least twenty kids from drowning.”

I’d finished my lunch and got more chicken. “Do I want to know what I did with the cannons?”

“M101 Howitzers, actually,” Elroy said. “It’s sort of like Mister Browning’s pistol. We made so many of them for use that they’re just ubiquitous around the world. Since they work, and work well for what they’re designed to do, no need to screw with them until it’s time to replace them. Oh, and I think the US Military is wrong for going with the Beretta, but what do I know? I’m only a combat veteran, after all.”

Jeremy chuckled. “Preaching to the choir, Elroy. Europeans love their 9mm ammo. We’ve already discussed the caliber situation and decided that we’re sticking with the .45. Anyway, it’s simple. You wandered down to the howitzers, broke the lock off the back of the caisson where the ready rounds were loaded, and sent a full battery of six towards Fremont.”

I dropped the chicken leg onto my plate. “No!”

“Oh, yeah,” Harry said. “It’s not like we don’t share some of the blame. There were some war stories being told, and the longer they went on, the more you got pissed off at how troops returning from Vietnam were treated by the locals.”

“Um, where were you at this point, Mike?”

“Passed out,” he said. “I’ve got a mess to go clean up.”

“Where was Dave?”

Jeremy shook his head. “Probably at home with his new bride. You didn’t notice, but now that they’re legally married and no one can say anything about it, all of the newlyweds left for a couple of days. I tried to get those three to help, but they didn’t want to help in the least,” he said, pointing at my assassins.

“It is not our job to control what our Master does, Mister Gage. It is simply our job to keep him and his family safe,” Sayel said.

Harry laughed. “SJ tried to defend the honor of the Marine Corps all by himself. I don’t know who got the bright idea to use a rope gun, but it was funny as hell watching drunks trying to scale the outside of the blimp hangar. I don’t think anyone broke any arms or legs, but there are a lot of people waking up with bruises today. Anyway, while that was going on, you decided to teach the locals a lesson for mistreating returning veterans. You know what’s funny is that Jeane Kirkpatrick can lift and load with the best of us. That’s when you threw her Secret Service into the bay, because she was having too much fun.”

“Good Lord!” was all I could say.

From her seat, Marcia said, “The saving grace for the whole thing is that the M101 has a maximum range of seven miles. To achieve that distance, the gun obviously has to fire with the barrel at a forty-five degree elevation. Because it was so late, no one gave any thought, since these are our guns on our property, that anything bad could happen. So, when the six of you fired live high explosive rounds towards the city of Fremont at three o’clock in the morning, it sort of startled us.”

“Six of us?”

She held up her hand, raising fingers. “You. Harry. Jeane Kirkpatrick. The Chinese, Japanese, and Soviet Ambassadors. They were giggling worse than little children because they got to get in what they were calling the final shots of the War in the Pacific and the Cold War against the United States. A full battery of six guns. We owe Cargill a chunk of change, because those shells were fuzed for any contact after firing, instead of airburst. You blew the shit out of their offshore salt fields.”

“I’m sorry, the next time I shoot live rounds out of a howitzer, I’ll make sure you’re able to fire one.”

“Damned straight you will. We’d already told them that their salt fields were the backup splash zone for fireworks, but they weren’t supposed to get hit with live rounds!”

Jeremy just shook his head. “On the other hand, you’re now incredibly popular with the entire older science fiction writing community. They were all cheering you on. Even Vonnegut.”

“Harry, if you were helping us, how is it that you seem to be doing fine today, while a lot of other people seem to resemble death warmed up?”

“Death warmed over, not warmed up,” Harry said, correcting me. “Clean living, moral fortitude, and something I learned while in the Philippines. They would eat clams or sardines before and while drinking, take a couple of aspirin, and drink at least a quart of water the next morning, sometimes two. One of the medics told me that it’s actually the vitamin B12 you need. I knew there was going to be some drinking, and so while it didn’t affect whether I was feeling no pain or not last night, it sure helped this morning. I think the tune-up also helped.”

“Thank God everyone was drunk, and most of them were already passed out. They didn’t see me moving at super speed to stop you from reloading. You were a little upset, but not too bad, once I turned you down,” Eve said.

“Turned me down?”

Margie laughed at my comment. “Not very loquacious this afternoon, are you? I think this is the fewest number of words I’ve heard you use in a conversation since I’ve known you. Of course, you’re also still recovering from the first real hangover you’ve had since you’ve been here, too. When Nyota was here, Mycroft hooked into her shivalingam and copied all their data. You remember how you got the crap beat out of you by the Thug, because his stones were set to provide a draining field, as well as enhance his own abilities and skills? Mycroft found that information in there. That’s one of the things he needs to talk to you about, and there’s lots more. As a preventative measure, in case she went crazy on us again, he told us how to use the shivalingam to drain her. It also works on you.”

“Uh...”

Jennifer giggled. “You’re right, Margie. He simply can’t talk today, can he?” She paused. “Oh.”

Eve nodded. “We’ll go help.” She got up and hurried into the other room, with Diana and Hannah right behind her.

“Beth and Dora both woke up at the same time, and aren’t taking it well,” Jennifer explained. “I know the three girls got drunk on wine that one night at Harry’s house, but this is the first actual serious hangover either of them have had.”