Chapter 25

As is common in a wedding, the groom is usually nervous about making a lifelong commitment to another person. It is traditional for the best man and the groomsmen to calm the nerves of the groom through the expedient measure of making bad jokes or recalling embarrassing moments of the past. Neither Magus nor Oscar, Leland’s father, were big on tradition and took upon themselves the task of calming the nerves of the groom. The best man and groomsmen stood around listening in disbelief to the advice being given by the two men.

As part of the groom’s party, Stephen yanked on the collar of his shirt thinking that somewhere in this world lived a sadist who was laughing evilly at the success his diabolical scheme for making men miserable through the instrument of torture known as a tuxedo. The only one who looked more miserable than he felt was Leland. It was unclear if the source of Leland’s unhappiness was the tuxedo, the lecture on how to have a happy marriage being delivered by Magus, or a combination of the two.

“The correct answer to the frequent question, ‘Does this outfit make my butt look too big?’ is ‘All I know is that it makes me want to play with your butt all day.’ While saying that, you should firmly grasp said butt and knead vigorously,” Magus said. “Not only does it deflect the question, but it can lead, on occasion, to sex.”

Oscar chimed in with, “Do not ever make the mistake of saying that there are some cultures that appreciate a well developed derriere while holding up a figurine of a woman with a humongous posterior. That little quip motivated my first two year expedition to locate the lost Aztec city of gold.”

Magus said, “A well stocked medicine cabinet can be indispensable in a good marriage. You will want to stock it with sedatives for visits by in-laws, amphetamines for evenings to the opera, anti-depressants for when her sex drive dies, and aspirin for daily use.”

“Don’t forget the Viagra for use with your mistress,” Oscar said.

Nodding his head in agreement, Magus said, “Just so that you know, take a sedative before your first trip to the opera and then amphetamines to all visits thereafter. It will convince your wife that you’ve actually become interested in the opera as a result of her influence and will generally result in sex.”

“Do not ever take an amphetamine before a visit from your mother-in-law. You will find that your tongue is a much faster organ than your brain. It can lead to an exciting evening that involves lots of shouting and breaking of fragile things. That little error motivated my second two year expedition to locate the lost Aztec city of gold,” Oscar said.

Leland leaned over to Stephen and asked, “Do you have a gun?”

“No,” Stephen answered. “Why would you want a gun?”

“To kill myself,” Leland said.

Magus said, “There are proper and improper ways to deal with a wife’s first ruined meal. The proper way is to tell her that it reminds you of a dish served to honored visitors by the Bingo tribe of the south Amazon basin. The improper way to deal with the meal is to ask if she was intentionally trying to poison you.”

“Never let your wife learn that you took a failed meal to a laboratory to be tested for the presence of poison. It leads to strained dinner conversations ... particularly when you try to get an explanation as to why the meal loaf contained arsenic,” Oscar said.

“Why did it?” Stephen asked.

“I never did figure that one out,” Oscar said while scratching his cheek. “My wife and I had such interesting meals after I returned from my eleventh two year expedition to locate the lost Aztec city of gold.”

Looking around the vestibule of the church, Leland asked, “Where is Mom?”

“I don’t know. I came back from my twelfth expedition to locate the lost Aztec city of gold and she was gone,” Oscar said.

“You came here with her,” Leland said.

Ignoring the interruption, Oscar continued, “Discovering that she had moved while I was gone led to one of the most exciting nights of my life. I went home and there was a strange family living there. They were most unappreciative of my efforts to gain entrance to the house. So what if I broke out a window and entered the house in the dead of night? It took a while to explain to the police that I was innocently returning home after two years in the jungle and was not attempting to rob the house or rape the occupants. They did not believe that I was under the mistaken belief that your mother had changed the locks on the door while I was gone.”

Magus said, “The police will occasionally demonstrate limited understanding of rational behavior under unusual circumstances.”

“Yes, that has been my experience,” Oscar said. “It doesn’t help that when I jumped into the bedroom occupied by the young couple that I was wearing nothing except for a ceremonial mask given to me by the chief medicine man of the Whambang tribe.”

“How did you manage to get a ceremonial mask from the chief medicine man of the Whambang tribe?” Magus asked.

“It was easy. I got the old man drunk on a bottle of Thunderbird wine,” Oscar said.

“I’ll have to keep that in mind the next time I’m in that region of the world,” Magus said.

Oscar said, “Thunderbird wine is an essential trading good when traveling in underdeveloped areas.”

Turning to Leland, Magus said, “That reminds me; you might want to keep the number of boys’ nights out to less than eight nights per week during the first few years of marriage. Women tend to not understand that you might prefer spending time playing poker over talking to her about her most recent changes in hair style. Taking an excessive number of evening outs usually leads to a decrease in sex.”

Leland said, “There are only seven nights in a week.”

“That makes it easy to keep it under eight,” Stephen said earning a nod of approval from Magus.

“Never tell your wife that the reason you lost two hundred dollars playing poker was because Chesty at the GoGoRama strip club was giving particularly good lap dances that night,” Oscar said. “I don’t remember if that led to my fifth or sixth expedition. That middle period of my marriage is kind of a blur.”

“Vacation times can be particularly stressful on a marriage. Pick vacation spots that have an equal mix of food, alcohol, and shopping. You can’t go wrong if she’s spending your money while you’re drinking. You can still spend time together over meals,” Magus said.

Oscar said, “Don’t suggest separate vacations and then let it slip that you were planning a tour of Nevada brothels. For reasons that escape me, wives tend to view that unfavorably. I was so looking forward to that vacation. Instead I had to go on another expedition to find the lost Aztec city of gold.”

Magus said, “Women are particularly sensitive to comments about their appearance. One of the worst ways to start a conversation is by asking -- ‘Is that a gray hair?’ Instead, you should compliment her by saying that you like the new hair color.”

“Don’t buy her hair dye for her birthday with a note attached saying that it can be used to hide the fact that she’s getting gray hair and slowly turning into her mother. The expression that a woman’s face gets upon opening such a present is truly beyond description,” Oscar said.

Magus said, “Men have a particularly hard time shopping for presents for their wives. Avoid purchasing power tools, household appliances, and memberships to gyms with guaranteed weight loss programs. The best way to buy presents is look through her stuff and buy her things that she already owns. So if she has a little black dress in size ten you can buy her the exact same style in the same size fully confident that she will appreciate your taste in clothes and knowing that it will fit her. If that is too much trouble, then remember that jewels, cars, and perfumes are always appreciated.”

“Even better yet, have your secretary do your gift shopping for you. If you are sleeping with your secretary, make sure that you examine the present before it gets wrapped. Check to make sure that the bracelet is inscribed with the correct name on it. The first time she gets something inscribed with the wrong name you can explain it away as an error at the store, but she will start to get suspicious about the third or fourth time it happens,” Oscar said.

“Don’t buy lingerie. If you like it, she won’t wear it. If you don’t like it, she’ll wear it all of the time,” Magus said.

“If you do buy lingerie, don’t hire a woman to model it for her. She won’t understand it when she comes home to discover you with a hooker who is wearing nothing but the garter belt and stockings that you bought as a present. That leads to lots of shouting and breaking of fragile items,” Oscar said. “That little episode preceded my tenth expedition to locate the lost Aztec city of gold.”

“When are you going on your next expedition?” Magus asked.

“I don’t know. I haven’t really felt the urge to go on another one since my wife left me,” Oscar said.

Magus said, “I’m sure the urge will return when you remarry.”

“Undoubtedly,” Oscar said.

Leland rolled his eyes and said, “You’re still married to Mom.”