Chapter 22

Jack entered the ready room and nodded to Lucinia, who was seated at her desk. He took his usual seat and leaned back as far as he could, noting they were the first two in attendance for the meeting.

“Bets on who enters next?” He asked with a grin.

“No,” She shook her head. “That is not professional laddie. Besides, we both know it will likely be my brother.”

“Yeah. Still, Five-Minutes-Early-Is-On-Timicus isn’t here yet, just sayin.” He removed the timepiece from his belt and held it up.

“That name’s stretching it.” Lucinia fought back a smile.

“Why? Cause it’s so long?” Jack inquired.

Just as he finished speaking, Kazlaena entered the room, hurrying to her preferred spot beside Jack.

“Nice.” Jack smiled as Kazlaena looked up at him cheerfully. “You beat the Clock-Watchicus. He’s gotta own that one, Mr Arrives-Before-Everyone-Elsicus.” Kazlaena put her hands up to cover her face and giggled.

“Jack!” Lucinia made a hand gesture for him to stop but she fought to keep a straight face.

Jack saw he was overdoing it and moved to change the situation, popping a mint in his mouth from a wrapped roll. He offered the roll to Kazlaena but retracted it swiftly before she could grab it.

“‘ey, give sat back!” She said swiftly as she reached for the roll, but he held it away, forcing her into a close quarters grapple attempt.

Lucinia burst into laughter as she saw the Vandean’s tail whipping back and forth frantically in excitement. Kazlaena was athletic, flexible, and stronger than Jack often gave her credit for, succeeding in getting a hold of his hand as it clenched the roll. As he gripped tighter against her attempt to open his hand, the roll burst apart, and mints went scattering everywhere. Kazlaena let out a little shriek of excitement.

“Stow that behavior, Second Officer, Cadet. Save it for the rec room.” Proculus said from the door as he entered.

“Sa, sorry First Officer,” Kazlaena took her seat meekly.

“The Cadet was just helping me pick up the mints I spilled, First Officer.” Jack remarked. “I don’t think that tone is necessary.”

“Pardon?” Proculus set down the datapad he was carrying at his usual seat.

“There’s no need to spaz out over a simple accident.” Jack replied.

“I know what I saw,” Proculus replied. “Don’t get out of line, Coralane, like you did with your radio conduct on Junkers Refuge. You are supposed to set an example for others to follow.”

“For starters, by what manner is spilling mints improper conduct?” Jack asked. “Secondly, I didn’t have time to explain in detail what should have been obvious to anyone listening over comms. If you can’t follow what’s going on, maybe we need to get someone who can read the situation without useless radio traffic.”

“What!” Proculus barked as Kazlaena shrunk down in her seat.

“Enough,” Lucinia stepped in. “You are the two senior officers on board. You are both failing at setting a good example before an eager young Cadet, who is trying to follow your leads. You two need to learn how to work things out without these disagreements affecting other crew members.”

Jack was about to protest but he saw the road ahead was going to make things uneasy between himself, Proculus and the Captain.

“Understood, Captain.” He said as he worked at picking up the mints.

Proculus said nothing.

Over the next couple of minutes, Kejeh, Zakia, Delilah, Cardox, Sita, Spurius, and Pri all entered the room. Kejeh sat beside Proculus at the front of the center row. Zakia and Delilah sat at the back of the center row. Cardox and Sita sat behind Jack, with Spurius and Pri sitting in front of him, being directly in front of Lucinia’s desk.

“Alright,” Lucinia stood up. “Officers and combat crew. We are on approach to the broken moons where these pirate drones often strike from. We will be on patrol in this system as per our contract. Completion requires us to accomplish either the destruction of these drones or patrol until two weeks have passed. After that, a new contract will be drafted, almost certainly under the same obligations. We have several points to cover, please keep any questions to the relevant officer when they are speaking. Officer Coralane, you may begin.” Lucinia took her seat as Jack took over the front of the room. He took a moment to get his datapad hooked up to the projector and opened a file on the desktop.

“We will be carrying out an erratic patrol route in this system,” Jack said as he brought up a top-down view of the Kratta system.

He pointed to the start point at Kratta Four for a moment and Proculus’ commpad chimed. Proculus pulled it out and had a look, before standing up sharply.

“Sorry, but I must step out for a moment. You can fill me in on all of the details, Captain?” He asked and she gave him a half grinning nod.

Jack noted the exchange a bit peculiarly, then focused back on his briefing when Proculus left.

“Our current course has us conducting a fly over of the broken moons, then returning to the station once we reach a mining post here.” Without warning, the image of the Kratta system switched to a picture of him at Revi Fiere’s concert, suspended upside down from the mic stand, with his rear to the audience.

“What the fuck?” Jack raised a brow and the room started giggling. “Ok,” He removed the photo and brought the system overlay back up. “From there, we’ll be making return trips to each mining post in the system.” He saw the room still grinning and turned around, seeing a photo of him asleep, a bunch of wiener doodles on his face.

“Fuck sakes!!!” Jack stifled a laugh. “Who’s doing this?”

Everyone remained silent but for their laughs or giggles. Kazlaena was hiding from sight and Pri buried her face in her hands. Lucinia was trying to maintain a professional expression but with all the others laughing, she was failing. Jack bit his lower lip and looked over them all with mock sternness. “Are we good or is there more to expect?”

“Ain’t no idea what you’re playin at there Coralane,” Sita said through laughs. “Trying to make us all laugh? Well, you succeeded at that.”

Jack removed the photo and took a deep breath, grinning when he faced away from the group. “Moving on ... We will not go from one to the other as we’ll be acting like a freighter or a supply ship.” He was interrupted by a facetime call coming through to his datapad. Jack raised a brow and declined the call, then turned to start speaking, but the call initiated again. “Oh for...” He tapped the accept button and saw Ben looking back, wearing nothing but a string thong.

“Oh, hey brother, forgot to tell you in our call earlier...”

“What ... what are you doing, Ben?” Jack asked.

“Ah, hot as hell here eh.”

“I uh, in a meeting here, Ben...” Jack managed to get out as Ben spun in his chair and stood up, then bent over. “You’re on display for a large audience.”

“What? Oh well, that’s damned embarrassing.” Ben didn’t sound remotely sincere.

“Why’d you call me?” Jack said through slightly embarrassed laughs.

“Oh, you left some things here.”

“Can this wait? I’m in a meeting?”

“Oh! Well, I gotta run but you forgot stuff in this box here,” Ben sat back down and slid up to the camera with a box. “Probably miss these, eh?” He reached in the box and pulled out a bag of nuts. “This?” He shook a pink and yellow bow close to the camera, lastly pulling out a blonde wig and put it on.

When Lucinia saw Ben put on the blonde wig and put on the bow, she couldn’t hold back any longer and burst out laughing.

“Oh, maybe some of these things are mine, or the wife’s.” Ben raised a brow.

Jack looked around and bit his lips together a few times. “Nah, that bow, that’s mine. Send it to me would ya?’”

“Yeah, so’s this,” Ben held up a nudie magazine and read off some of the article lines. “Pootie Tootie Booty, Tails and Their Benefits in the Bedroom, Seventeen Positions for You and Yours No Matter the Race or Gender ... Also got this magazine, remember this one? Doilies Daily ... I’ll hold onto it for you, ok? ... You ok there Jackie?”

“See ya around, Ben,” Jack disconnected the call, wishing he had done so far sooner. “As you can see, make sure you choose your friends carefully. Don’t make the same mistake I did...” Jack saw everyone practically breathless and grinned, keeping his laughter to short outbursts.

“So, where was I?” He continued so casually it seemed almost unnatural but before long, another call came through. Jack looked at the ID and saw Revi Fiere. A couple of the crew let out signs of audible shock or surprise.

“Oh boy...” Jack scratched the back of his head and accepted the call.

Revi Fiere appeared. She seemed embarrassed for the attire she wore, stepping back to show herself dressed in leathers, with a partial face mask and a whip in one hand.

“Oh, Jack boy, were you not to ... to come over last night???” She said, trying to contain her laughter. “I did so wish we could pick up where we left off.”

“Who put you up to this?” Jack asked.

“Why, you did, dear boy. Now, be a gentleman and make haste...” She cracked the whip, unintentionally taking out a lamp in the process. “Oh, dear...” She dropped character and ran over to put it back on the end table. “That was a good lamp too.”

Another call came in and Jack saw Ben again. He shook his head and accepted.

“Oh good, you accepted ... uh, you on a conference? I can see another, a bloody dommie? Wait, is that?” Ben puckered his lips. “Was uh, gonna tell you bro, you also left this dress...” He held out a short green dress with pink flower patterns.

Another call came in and Jack looked over it, tapping the table with the fingers of one hand, looking at Lucinia as she faced the wall. Jack accepted, trying to push away a grin.

“Hello,” Jack said, not recognizing the caller.

“Hello, do I have Jack Coralane?”

“Speaking...”

“Hello, Mr Coralane, your order is ready. Anytime you can come pick it up is good, or we can ship to you for an additional cost.”

Jack faced away from the screen and looked at the other crew. “You guys really outdid yourselves...”

“Not us.” Cardox replied.

“We are but audience to peculiar events,” Pri managed to say through her own laughing.

“Uh huh...” Jack nodded with a slack smile, then turned to face the screen. “What uh, did I order again, just remind me?”

“Three containers of skin moisturizer, rosy blush, uh two sticks of lip gloss. Safvana high heels, size ten in mens, two pink garters, stockings, hosing, a large, brimmed Sunday hat, also Safvana brand.”

“Uh yeah, can you send it to a specific address? One I can pass over to you?” Jack asked.

“We can, certainly.”

Jack proceeded to give Ben’s address.

“You bloody bastard,” Ben spat. “I’ll bloody get you for this.”

“Have fun explainin that to Melanie.” Jack grinned.

“Who is that?” The third caller asked with concern.

“Angry Ex-boyfriend.” Jack replied and Ben hung up immediately.

“He does sound right angry Jack, my boy. Did you leave him waiting as you did with me?” Revi asked.

“Um,” The third called hesitated. “If that is all, I will, um, leave you to ... handle...”

“That’s it,” Jack said and they hung up. “I’ll see you sooner or later, Miss Fiere.” He gave Revi a wink and she moved quickly to hang up, grinning widely before she vanished.

Jack bit his cheek for a moment and thought hard.

“Do you need a moment ... Coralane?” Lucinia asked, trying to settle her laughter. “That was, a lot of information for us to take in. A lot of hidden secrets, we all just became aware of.”

Jack gave her a blank look for a moment, trying to fight off his laughter as he went right back into the briefing without skipping a beat. “Now ... There’s no promise this strategy will work, but it does make-” He made a stifled smile, looking over the group. A moment later, he doubled over and started laughing as he saw their expressions. The tipping point was the little Vandean, hiding under the desk with just her tail flopping up and down around the side and a high-pitched giggle going nonstop. Jack managed to catch his breath. “- us far harder to identify on scanners. That means a visual confirm which could help us detect and track any drones nearby.” He managed to finish.

“You believe this will help fool the drone operators?” Lucinia asked as she settled down.

“I don’t guarantee it, Captain. It is, however, better than broadcasting ‘we are here’ with a poorly laid patrol route.” Jack replied, trying to keep from laughing.

“Should we be remaining stationary at any of these posts, to give a better illusion?” Cardox asked through shallow laughs.

“We will be,” Jack nodded. “Exact time on stationary will be determined by traffic at the post. We will need to get close to fool any scanners, but we can’t interfere with any traffic at the posts.” Jack saw Cardox nod, and the room was silent for a moment. “Anything else on Navigation?”

“Um?” Kazlaena raised her hand, face partly hidden as she peered over the edge of the desk.

“Yeah?” Jack asked, smiling.

“Sa screen...”

Jack bit his lip, not sure if he wanted to turn around. A couple of the crew snapped off photos on their commpads and Jack shook his head, slowly turning to see the last photo. It was him, young adult, pre Artema civil war. He was in Ben’s basement. They had just gotten pissed outta their minds and he had passed out on the floor with his rear up in the air. Ben had put wide gag sunglasses on his rear with the long face nose and an upside-down smiley face, with the caption ‘fart breath’ underneath.

“Whoever’s working with him or her or they or whoever is doing this, I will find you...” Jack said in mock sternness. “I will find you...”He walked up to Kazleana and picked her squirming form up. “And I will destroy you with the torment of tickle...” He started tickling her mercilessly as she thrashed in his grasp. “Now, I say again, is there anything else? Does the present member of the Scaro Triumvirate have anything to add?” He looked intently at Lucinia.