Prologue

Alternate universes exist. I know that, and some of our scientists have proven it beyond a shadow of a doubt. I know this because there are alternate versions of me out there, with variations to my powers and skills. Some of them are, politely, lame people. Some of them are megalomaniacs. I’m somewhere in between.

This is the fifth volume of my autobiography. If you haven’t read the first four volumes, I highly recommend it. I think the author’s a nice guy. If you don’t have time, you should make some, because otherwise this book is going to be REALLY confusing.

Oh, and if you have read the other four books, you’ll find the stuff about the first three books is exactly the same as in Book Four, so you can miss a few pages until you get to the synopsis of Book Four. Or refresh your memory, although I think spending some time re-reading the first four books is time well spent.

A brief (!) synopsis of Book One:

I was born on a planet twenty-seven light years from Earth. I’ve tried to convert things into common Earth measurements, based upon the area of Earth where I ... finished growing up, basically. So, inches, pounds, feet, miles. I screwed up several times in converting things, including my initial age. My planet had a year equivalent to 443 Earth days. A rogue white dwarf star got too close to my home planet, my parents stuffed me into an experimental rocket ship, I spent some time in suspended animation, and crash landed just outside of Hutchinson, Kansas, in late August of 1984.

While I’m just as human as everyone else, I have a vestigial organ, meaning one that’s like the appendix. It’s there, we just don’t know why. Under proper radiation, such as from Earth’s Sun, I ended up with a lot of abilities that no one ever had at home. Speed, the power of flight, microscopic, telescopic, and some kind of laser vision, and skin basically invulnerable to normal damage, like being shot with a gun – or a cannon.

I also ended up with something else that I didn’t have at home, and that’s a girlfriend. Yes, I was both single and a virgin at home. The daughter of the farmer that owned the mine I’d crashed in took care of both of those. All farmer’s daughter jokes aside, they could have turned me in to the government, and they didn’t. Beth fell in love with me and Harry, her father, had slightly ambiguous morals. Beth figured that I could become the big man at her school, and the kids there wouldn’t treat her like they had been. Net result is I found some buried Spanish treasure, and we sold some of it for a lot of money.

Enter into my life Judge Elroy T. Bannister.

Elroy and Harry’s father had served in World War Two together. Elroy came home with a LOT of money, used it to help improve the city, and set himself up as the feudal baron of Reno County, Kansas. Over the thirty-nine years since the end of World War Two, Elroy had grown in power such that the Governor, both Senators, and all of the State representatives from both parties owed him their jobs.

Elroy is an honest politician. That means when he is bought, he stays bought. So I gave him a ‘campaign contribution’ and gifted him with a couple pounds of gold. Yes, I said pounds, not ounces. I’d found a lot of treasure. Elroy greased the wheels, got me the needed paperwork, and set my age at sixteen, so I could enroll in school.

Remember I said I lost my virginity? So did Beth, to me. We found out that my sperm can ‘jump start’ certain abilities in Earth girls, as Beth and I ended up mentally linked.

I found I could move faster than a speeding bullet when the Vice-Principal at school went psycho and tried to kill Beth and me. He would have died if a policeman hadn’t had a tracheotomy kit. Oh, and we were fine, I simply caught the bullets.

Because Elroy had made everything show that I’d been home schooled, I didn’t think about trying out for football. I was going to go out for basketball later on, though. The Principal had other ideas, took me to see the Coach, and had me try out. Even without using any of my powers and abilities, I was in great physical shape. Earth is a smaller planet than my home world, so gravity is slightly less here. That meant I naturally am a darned good athlete – such that I ended up Varsity Quarterback. Our team had been known as a perennial middle of the road losing team. This year, the Salthawks were going to be a little different.

Beth had two lifelong friends that also quickly became my girlfriends and lovers. The three of them had been outcasts, so a racist football player took exception to that. He found out that punching a concrete block wall isn’t good, and got kicked out. The father of another student decided I wasn’t going to come in and take over his football team, and attacked me. I simply held him until the police showed up, and they took care of that ... permanently.

Harry hooked back up with his old girlfriend, Emily. She worked at the bank, and helped me with the literally hundreds of millions of dollars of treasure I’d found. That also helped take care of Eve and Dora’s parents objections.

I was raised under a different moral and ethical code than any that existed on Earth, so when Eve’s brother was injured in a terrorist attack while serving as a US Marine in Beirut, Lebanon, I reacted as I felt I should. That meant I killed a lot of terrorists in Beirut and in their sponsor nation of Iran.

We’d won three football games by this point. Harry and Emily decided to get married, so we had their wedding between a JV and Varsity game, then they went on a romantic honeymoon. Elroy tried to be sneaky and set me up with some investment people that included his own niece, Margie. She had an MBA from Wharton and was 25 years old. She also had an issue, in that she was so smart men didn’t interest her. Until she met me. Literally two hours after meeting her, she was in the barn hayloft with me, losing her own virginity with men, fell in love with me, and was moving in with us that night.

The third war buddy of Harry’s dad and Elroy was Federal Judge Earl O’Connor. With Harry’s dad having been dead for a long time, Earl and Elroy were both thinking of retiring. With my money, I could help Reno County and Kansas like he had been doing, especially if I was also investing theirs as well. Elroy’s daughters weren’t his kids, as Elroy was rendered sterile in the war. He only had Margie and Emily as his family to inherit, and Earl had no one because his son had died in Vietnam. They dumped it all onto me.

The only way to make sure any kids I might have would have a safe world to grow up in and live on was to end war. All of them. I created the Messenger from Above, went to Iran and Iraq, and pretty much destroyed most of their air forces and navies. I also left a mark in Switzerland, in front of their embassies, to end the fighting.

I’d been caught on camera, but I was wearing a costume that hid my face. I later found a proper uniform when exploring my spaceship’s capsule, so I wore that when I went to New York and left a mark in front of the UN Building. I made sure I had people to witness me flying, and using my laser vision. Iran and Iraq had already noted I blew up most of their militaries, and shooting me hadn’t done any good, either.

I came home, went with Margie to California and Washington to invest in Cisco and Microsoft, and pretty much showed off my computer skills. A young woman named Marcia that worked at Microsoft had a similar response to me that Margie did, so before long, I had five girlfriends living with me.

Eve’s father had a psychotic breakdown because he couldn’t handle that I had this much money. He ended up in the mental health lockdown unit at the hospital.

As the Messenger from Above, I destroyed the Afghanistan poppy fields and ordered the Soviet Army out. I then flew to Moscow, destroyed Lenin’s Tomb in four seconds flat, and told the head of the Soviet Union to tell Israel to plan for a meeting in Tel-Aviv between them and the leaders of the nations they were having issues with.

Syria decided they didn’t want to play, so I destroyed their infrastructure, including their hidden poison gas factories. I then showed the world leaders that the Messenger wasn’t playing games by crushing the gun of an assassin into a small cube, and then tossing him into the Mediterranean from three miles away. He skipped a couple of times before sinking.

I created a wind turbine that used magnetic bearings and a chemical my Dad had come up with for his rocket science. I wanted to help Hutchinson and Reno County, since under my code of ethics, this was my home and as the leader of the home, it was my job to care for everyone. I wanted those built and manufactured there.

Pakistan was still acting up, so I incinerated half their government and put Benazir Bhutto in charge. I also left a mark on the US Embassy there, as well as breaking the legs of all the CIA members present.

The local Baptist Preacher had been against my lifestyle for quite some time, even if I was the best high school quarterback in the country and helping the city, so he ended up attacking the girls and me. He confessed he’d been running a child molesting ring after he found out attacking me wasn’t bright, and I’d crushed his family jewels. That brought all sorts of attention to the town, so to help keep the negative publicity out of the national news, I visited China, threatened them, and then destroyed the North Korean military.

At one point, I picked up a Soviet destroyer from out of a North Korean Harbor where they’d been refueling while trying to comply with my orders, flew it through the air a few miles, then put it back down into the sea. That was on TV, showing that it wasn’t a good idea to screw with the Messenger.

It was time to deal with Washington, so I flew there as the Messenger. I found that I could speak with the souls of the dead that were inhabiting the Vietnam Memorial. I took President Reagan to the Wall, so he would hear and hopefully beat some sense in to Congress.

I met with people from Siemens AG, and they agreed to build a factory to make turbines in Hutchinson. Additional doses of my semen helped make all three of the younger girls much smarter, such that they were able to test out of the rest of high school, so they were starting community college with me. We all took the SAT and ACT tests, because I knew where I wanted to actually go to college.

Eve’s brother, SJ (Stephen, Junior), had been home on medical leave. He’d figured out that I was the Messenger. He thought I would kill him to protect my secret. I told him what I felt. Cal was me, and the Messenger was the secret identity. We had more money coming in, so I put SJ in charge of finding us some airplanes.

China decided that since the Messenger had said that each nation was in charge of its own borders that Taiwan was theirs, so they attacked. I showed them the error of their ways, destroying some of their attacking forces, then laying waste to about a ten mile wide swath of the country, killing more than ten million Chinese in a few seconds. I also destroyed their government. That’s when I flew to the Moon and sculpted the surface there with my mark in an attempt to convince to quit screwing around and listen to me.

After that, I talked to the government of Germany briefly, then flew home. That was just in time to fly in an airplane to California, to meet with the people from Intel about their computer chips, and meet the people of Stanford. I took the MCAT and LSAT, passed both of those with perfect scores, and we made arrangements to live there.

We also met Marcia’s attorney, Leonard Poulson. It turns out that he knew Elroy from after the war. And Marcia was already wealthy, because her father had been the best pyrotechnics man in Hollywood. Marcia had inherited his skills, too. After an evening dinner chatting with Charles Bronson, Jill Ireland, and Patrick Wayne, among others, we came back to Hutchinson. One of the things that Marcia had brought back to Kansas with her was some jewelry her father had found in a cave in Europe.

That jewelry contained gems from my home planet, and Dora’s mother being of Romany heritage and blood knew about them. Dora’s grandmother, Sophia was reported to be a witch, so it was decided there’d be a meeting. I also revealed to Dora’s parents, Roberto and Esmeralda, that I was the Messenger.

She called me the ‘Guardian from Earth’ and said I was the answer to a millennia old legend.

That’s the end of Book One. Pretty neat, huh? Don’t worry, it gets even more complex!

Now for the brief (!) synopsis of Book Two

So, I’m apparently the ‘Guardian of Earth’, which was some kind of Romany prophecy. At least they didn’t freak out about it. The freak out happened when Elroy explained the secret that he and Earl had both been investigating attorneys for the Warren Commission in trying to find out the truth about the JFK assassination. Elroy retired out of the Army not as a Staff Sergeant, like everyone thought, but as a Lieutenant General, and Earl got out as a Brigadier General. But the freaking out wasn’t over yet. Jennifer had an aggressive form of breast cancer, had already sort of fallen for me, and with her husband in jail from being a child molester, decided to have some fun in her life before cancer killed her. That fun involved five girls who were enhanced by me and as we’d found out before, a prostrate massage really stimulated me.

Jennifer got a DNA cleanse of her cancer, tubal ligation reversed and pregnant, and genetically reverted to Eve’s twin. We blamed it on an experimental cancer treatment that everyone in Hutchinson accepted. Toby recognized her immediately, even though Eve was with us. That was when we found out that Staff Sergeant Tobias Kennedy, USMC, and deceased for the last four years, was living on in Toby and helping his otherwise mentally challenged grandson. So pretty much anything we did was known to Tobias, and he helped Toby understand things. We started construction on the Ice-X plants, too.

As the MFA, I saved Indira Gandhi from being assassinated by her own guards and she decided to work peacefully to resolve issues with Pakistan. Since I had time, I stopped in Moscow on my way home. They surprised me by completely agreeing with me and working to help the Orthodox Church. Then I turned the CIA into a molten hole in the ground, since Congress didn’t listen to me. After that, I came back to Kansas and went trick or treating with Toby. Apparently, I made a good Khan in the actual outfit that Ricardo Montalbán wore in the Star Trek movie, so Toby got a lot of candy.

SJ and Elroy went to Seattle to check out an available 737-200. The Boeing engineers played with Ice-X and wanted thousands of gallons of it.

Dora’s grandmother, the witch, showed up from Mexico. As the ‘Queen of the Gypsies’, she had powers of her own, as well as devices that we found out came from my home planet. They were solid state computers that could do a lot of stuff, we found out; such as enhancing people and giving them my powers. The other thing we found I thought I’d been making stuff up. Some of it was, but not all of it. The Indian god Shiva actually was from my home planet.

I found a young lady for SJ, courtesy of my classes. We had groundbreaking for all the facilities and a Hollywood museum in honor of Marcia’s parents, followed by a presentation at the HCC arena and I interviewed with the Wall Street Journal. I found that I wasn’t operating in a vacuum, with the donations we’d made to the Marines Toys for Tots Program impressing a lot of people. That included those figuring out what to do with military equipment and bases they weren’t going to need anymore, because peace was breaking out. Net result of that was we started getting ‘toys’. Excess military hardware, like armored personnel carriers, jeeps, construction equipment, airplanes, helicopters, and both Fort Riley and Vance Air Force Base.

Marcia discussed things and stopped taking her birth control pills, so she quickly became pregnant. I started helping train Beth with her powers as best I could, since I was still learning about my own.

We found out that a pepper from India was effectively the same as one I used to eat on Star Home. That helped confirm our planet had colonized this planet more than two hundred thousand years ago. I trained Beth further, finding out more about the use of the devices.

As the MFA, I made a visit to the Vatican and was rude to the Pope, but he got a nice Christmas present later, so I considered that a wash. How nice, I didn’t know until MUCH later. I made his faith both stronger and weaker by confirming Jesus was real, but that he used devices from Star Home to perform his miracles. (I found out MUCH later a LOT more about Jesus, too, but ... that’s in Book Four.)

Then I visited London and found their Cenotaph held thousands of souls from soldiers that’d died serving King and Country. It was time for their Parliament to get its shit together, so I used my charms to persuade them, only killing one MP. I thought I’d give the American Congress the same message but they’d gone home. I was a bit upset about that and made a televised broadcast that got their attention. I did meet Walter Mondale, and since he’d volunteered, I officially made him my Ambassador and gave him the Mace I’d taken from England.

Beth led me to Australia, where we found Helen Awarai. Uluru, or as the White Man called it, Ayers Rock, was also a place where souls resided. They knew about Shiva, and were descended from people that had fought against him. We made arrangements to meet them at Disney World, after our state championship football game. After quite a bit of discussion, I upgraded Eve and Dora.

The UN started falling apart. The US Congress called hearings against President Reagan. Beth and I flew in, took a trip to the Capitol, I literally bashed some heads in, and presented evidence that Mycroft had found, showed there was a conspiracy to take over the country using assassinations and that certain Congressional leaders knew about it. That engendered even more trust and cooperation between the Soviet Union and the United States.

We won the state championship football game, then went to Disney World. We officially met Helen and her family, she got pregnant immediately, and I got to visit NASA, and explain about Ice-X to them. Earl and Elroy married Gloria, Helen’s mother, in a native ceremony.

I took Dora and Eve on a training mission. We found a few thousand pounds of Nazi gold and gems, which made Marcia upset, for obvious reasons. The newlywed group went to Australia to pick up Helen’s younger sister, Holly, who naturally has some of my powers. And has the soul of someone killed fighting Shiva living within her.

After Christmas, Jennifer and I went back to Florida, for the Wackenhut Security Christmas party. We met some of the people behind the conspiracy to kill the President. Our plan to take the person that they were trying to insert into our party and turn her into our agent worked too well, and Hannah Rothschild ended up falling in love with me. Jennifer and I won a golf game, which got her an invite to play in a PGA event, since I couldn’t due to NCAA rules. I ended up fighting against some assassins hired by an Arab banking sheikh to get out of paying off his son’s wager. I won, but I got injured myself.

The sheikh tried to poison us all, which turned out to be a fatal mistake for him, as the Saudi Crown Prince was eating with us as well. After that, Hannah’s father showed up and after an interesting confrontation with Elroy, Jennifer shot and killed him. The next day, we got to meet the King of Saudi Arabia, Jennifer, Hannah and I were made members of the Saudi Royal Family, and then we returned to Kansas, immediately leaving for the US – Mexico border.

I’d sensed trouble on Christmas, regarding our family that lived in Mexico. Something had been set into motion while Jennifer and I were in Florida, and we ended up rescuing about four thousand people. Hannah had not been made aware of the truth about me until that night. When she found out, she declared that I was her God.

That’s a VERY brief synopsis of Book Two, and completely skips over a lot of important stuff that you ought to go read, for the background information. I haven’t had a simple life by any means!

Now for something about Book Three.

Hannah found out I wasn’t a god, but I was in the KKK, because I was a wizard under the sheets. Oh, and she ended up pregnant, too.

The MFA went to Washington for a discussion at the White House, whereupon George Bush resigned and Jeane Kirkpatrick became the new Vice-President. We did some experiments with the stones and nearly killed Dora and Eve. I healed them, but with all of the evidence of what had happened being witnessed, I decided it was time to trust Mike Douglas with the truth.

It was time for our trip around the world, so we first went to Adak, Alaska. It was just supposed to be a refueling stop. Turns out Mount Moffett is like Uluru, and the Aleuts are like the Indigenous Australians in being survivors of Shiva. We found Carrie Holsinger to be just like Holly, in having a soul living within her, too. She became a part of our family then, coming with us. Next stop was Tokyo, where we signed agreements to make small nuclear reactors with a company there.

We left, with our refueling stop at Yinchuan, China, and we were the first western airplane to land there. I met a Colonel Shuren, and discussed their Tokamak reactor plans with him. They were impressed by how Ice-X had performed on our airplane. We left there and flew to New Delhi, finding a weird fishtail shaped mountain that gave off bad vibes as we flew over the Himalayas, and then finally landed, meeting Indira Gandhi.

Turns out that the Indians had legends of the shivalingam, which was their name for the devices. Also, the assassin I’d killed was actually a Prince, and in killing him, I inherited his estates, as well as all of his possessions. That included eight women he’d taken from different clan leaders and had made his slaves. I couldn’t figure out how to get the T-72 tank home.

We left India for Saudi Arabia, to discuss business with Prince Nayef. They had found a shivalingam while drilling for oil, and gave it to me. Hannah had been abused by the husband of one of the King’s sisters when she was younger, so after discussion of the Kingdom’s law, I dealt with him. Our next stop was Germany, where we met with Siemens and Thyssen AG, to discuss what we wanted them to build for Saudi Arabia.

Our last stop was supposed to be England, to get some of Hannah’s possessions. Her grandfather played games, and we ended up having to land at RAF Mildenhall instead of Heathrow. We took soldiers with us as escorts, then had an interesting encounter with Victor Rothschild that ended up being resolved peacefully.

From there, we flew to Hutchinson with a refueling stop, then to Palm Springs to start watching Jennifer play golf. I had to go up to Stanford to take some pre-admission tests, then pissed off my women by making decisions for them without consulting them. My defense is that I’m young, I didn’t know any better, and while it seemed like they jumped all over me, it was done out of love on their part. We went back to Palm Springs, where I got to watch Jennifer win, and talked about making a movie with Kirk Douglas.

We went to another golf tournament, that Jennifer won as well. Helen performed a wedding for two people from Australia there, and I got to threaten a couple of reporters that had big mouths.

Beth, Eve, Dora, and I started classes after we’d had a discussion on how smart I should be. I talked to the head of the Biochemistry department about genetic engineering. I got some lab space and help, and created a pill to force shedding of the uterine lining that we got to test on chimpanzees and prove that it worked for the head of the FDA.

As the MFA, I did a few more things to help spread my message, such as cleaning the government of Panama. Then we met a Sports Illustrated photographer at another golf tournament. She took pictures of all of us for their swimsuit edition, which ended up having to be reprinted three times! It kept selling out.