Rudy Beltrán was an unemployed programmer with more debt than technical skills. He had a grandmother who was known throughout the neighborhood as Doña Nilda. At 78 years old, she was a widow actively looking for a boyfriend, specialized in working with neighborhood gossip and had been practicing karate since the 1960s, when she had learned by correspondence.

Due to these strange circumstances, Nilda asked Rudy for help in getting a robotic assistant, because she needed help with shopping. It seemed like the most normal thing in the world, given that her grandson was in charge of helping her with the applications on her cell phone.

Naturally, if Rudy knew how to fix his cell phone, he was probably an expert in robotics.

Unfortunately, Rudy Beltran was so broke that his wallet was a cashless ecosystem, inhabited only by an overdue pizza receipt. Because his financial situation was so critical, his creditors said he was in a Schrödinger state: he officially existed, but no one could find him.

Out of work and without money, the grandson decided to look for a recycled robot on ’Robotrastos SA’ (Warranty Not Included), very popular on television with a catchy jingle that said “Because every android deserves a second chance ... more or less” 🎵 🎶 🎼.

Rudy entered the dark, cluttered tech junk shop, where a sign hung that read, “What’s the Worst That Can Happen?”. Behind the counter, a plump, friendly saleswoman saw him enter and smiled as she straightened a tight, dusty lab coat with the top two buttons missing.

The saleswoman, who was fixing her hair to look better, said in her best voice - “Welcome, young entrepreneur of the future! My name is Silvana. How can I help you today?”

Rudy gulped as he tried to ignore the missing buttons on the lab coat, which gave away the girl’s unmatched virtues. He replied, stuttering , “I need a robotic assistant for my grandmother. Something cheap, functional, and that won’t explode if I ask it to heat up food.”

Silvana, as the saleswoman was called, smiled widely - “I have just what you need!” - She pointed at a huge robot, with dents and one eye blinking spasmodically. - “This model is an XZ-9000, it used to be a combat robot, but now it’s a peaceful domestic assistant.” - Visibly attracted to Rudy, while she curled her hair, she offered suggestively - “If you want, I can give you a demonstration of its abilities” -

Rudy, who was beginning to show more interest in the girl than in the robot’s abilities, asked, “Combat? I don’t want my grandmother to wake up with a rocket launcher in the kitchen.”

The girl giggled and rested her hand on Rudy’s chest, cheering at the joke - “Don’t worry! We’ve rebooted him, almost 100%. We’ve erased his old operating system and installed the new version of RoboLinux 21.0.” -

Rudy asked him, “And are you fully functional ... I mean the robot is functional?” The boy’s face had turned completely red.

Silvana replied helpfully , “Definitely. He does ... things.” She pouted.

Rudy wanted to know - “What kind of things?” -

The saleswoman tried to be more nonspecific - “Useful ... things. Maybe.”

Rudy wanted to be tough - “That ‘Maybe’ ... doesn’t inspire confidence.” -

The girl coughed nervously. “You know ... Look at the bright side. This robot is lovingly recycled and, best of all, it’s autonomous!”

Rudy wanted to know - “What do you mean, self-employed? Aren’t they all self-employed?”

Silvana, the saleswoman, hesitated a bit - “Eh ... well, technically he still retains some ‘own initiative’. But only small details, like deciding what is a threat and what is not.” -

Rudy worried about the answer - “What if he decides my grandmother is a threat?”

The saleswoman waved her hand, denying the possibility - “Nah, XZ-9000s love grannies. Well ... except for that incident in 2032 ... but that model was different.” - An awkward silence followed.

Rudy became interested again - “Does it have a warranty?”

The girl got excited - “Of course! 24 hours or until you walk through the door, whichever comes first. If you want, you can call me for the first technical service. I’ll be happy to go” - she said, squinting her eyes.

Rudy didn’t seem very sure - “I don’t know, I should think about it more...” - he tried to act tough.

The saleswoman winked at him and whispered, “I’ll tell you a secret: if the robot gives you trouble, just turn it off and on again. It works 60% of the time!”

Rudy wanted to know - “What about the other 40%?”

Silvana brushed the matter off, downplaying it - “Well ... Let’s not talk about it.” - She got a little closer to Rudy and said seductively - “If you want, I’ll help you set it up when you turn it on and I’ll show you how easy it is to operate.” -

Rudy sighed in resignation. As far as he knew, ’Robotrastos SA’ (Warranty Not Included) was the one that sold robots at the best prices. He sighed as he asked , “How much does it cost?”

The girl winked at him enthusiastically - “For you, special price: $199.99, or three payments of $75 with criminal interest.” -

Rudy shook his head, resigned - “Ok. I’ll take the damn robot...” -

The saleswoman clapped her hands in celebration of the decision - “I knew you were a smart man!” - she shook his hand while checking out on her tablet. - “Sign here, here, here, and here ... oh, and also on this document where you say you won’t sue me if something goes wrong.”

Rudy suddenly stopped - “Wait, what?” -

The saleswoman didn’t let him hesitate - “Congratulations! Enjoy your XZ-9000 with RoboLinux! Now get out before it reboots and remembers its military training!”

Rudy cautiously took his new robot as he asked , “This is going to end very badly, isn’t it?”

The girl gestured with her hands , “It depends on how fast you run if something goes wrong.”

Rudy started to leave -”Damn...”-

The saleswoman reminded her - “Find me in the afternoon to help you turn it on!”

Rudy and Silvana, the saleswoman, spent the rest of the afternoon starting up the XZ-9000 and charging its battery. It had been delivered to them without a charge.

A couple of days later, on a quiet afternoon in the neighborhood, the first incident occurred.

A dog was chasing a mailman, a neighbour was arguing with a pigeon that had taken over his TV antenna and, on the corner, a group of retirees were planning their next clandestine bingo game.

Rudy walked behind his grandmother, Doña Nilda, who advanced with a firm step, bag in hand and the look of an expert bargain hunter in the supermarket. At her side, the XZ-9000 moved stiffly, emitting a disturbing hum every time it moved its metal limbs.

—“I don’t know, grandma...”— Rudy muttered unsurely, looking at the robot with distrust —”Maybe we should test it with simple tasks before taking it out into the real world.”-

—“Bah! I need him to carry my bags, not solve equations for me!”— the old woman growled grumpily . —”Besides, if he’s as bad as you say, at least I’ll be able to use him as a coat rack.”—

Just then, a suspicious-looking guy approached them stealthily. He was wearing a hooded sweatshirt, sunglasses, and had an attitude that screamed “I’m robbing old ladies because I don’t know how to do anything else.”

“Ma’am, give me your wallet and nobody gets hurt here,” said the thief, showing a tiny knife, more appropriate for cutting labels than for threatening people.

Doña Nilda snorted, offended. “Look at the nerve! In my time, at least thieves had manners!”

Before I could lecture him on the decadence of modern crime, the XZ-9000 suddenly came to life. Its LED eyes flashed red and a robotic voice coldly announced:

—“THREAT DETECTED. INITIATING TACTICAL DEFENSIVE MODE.”-

The robot struck a combat stance, raising its metal arms with military precision.

—“Huh?”— the thief stammered in disbelief, taking a step back.

—“Wow, this got good!” Doña Nilda exclaimed enthusiastically, taking out a bag of candy as if she were at the movies.

The XZ-9000 moved with the speed of a ninja on steroids. Within two seconds, it executed an absurd combination of judo holds, spinning kicks and wrestling maneuvers that defied the laws of physics.

The thief flew through the air, spinning three times like a human croquette, and landed headfirst on a lamppost. Before he could react, the robot pinned him down with his own sweatshirt and, in a final artistic touch, pulled his underwear up over his head. The final wedgie was a masterpiece.