20: A Walk in the Park

“Wow, that was ... intense!” Cate announced, tossing her pocketbook onto the bed after they entered the room together and collapsing beside it.

“What?” Alex asked, glancing in the bathroom mirror and running his hand through his thinning hair in exhaustion, again noting the increasing number of hairs falling out. “You’ve been to plenty of those concerts before,” he reminded her as he grabbed some food from the room’s little refrigerator and brought it back to the bed with him.

“Yeah, but I’d forgotten how crazy they are. After all, I’ve been out of that scene for a while,” Cate reflected, resting her hand on her forehead as she observed Alex struggling to eat, clearly too tired to do it very enthusiastically. “But there was more to it this time. Before, you’d always skirt around the outskirts of the concert to avoid attracting too much attention. And you’d try to hold actual conversations with everyone you met.”

“Hey, I still do,” Alex objected as he stared at a cookie for a few seconds before finally taking a bite of it.

“No, you don’t actually converse anymore,” Cate corrected him, leaning up on her elbow to gauge his reaction. “Now you stand right in front of the stage as Winona beckons everyone forward with her ‘Follow the energy which binds us all together here at the front of the stage.’ I mean, could she be any more obvious about it?”

“It’s not that bad,” Alex said with a gentle weary laugh, washing down his cookie with a healthy swig from his soda. “It sounds just like any concert spiel. Everyone just assumes she’s talking about the energy of the music. She never mentions me by name or points me out.”

“She doesn’t have to,” Cate reminded him. “Everyone there can see you holding court with a bunch of women who are paying no attention to the concert as they gather around you. It’s obvious to the blind that something is going on, and the curiosity over what it might be is part of the whole mystique Winona’s been capitalizing on.”

“Hey, don’t dump on her for this. She’s doing this for me. This is exactly what we wanted her to do.”

“It isn’t like she’s not getting plenty out of it for herself,” Cate grumbled, even as she leaned over and stole a sliced apple from her brother. “But I’m focusing on you, not her,” she reminded him. “Even with all those people clamoring for your attention, you don’t sweat over it. Instead you do this vague wave,” Cate said, imitating the motion herself to emphasize her point, “and you convey a half an hour’s discussion in only a few moments.

“Well, you’ve got to admit, it is more efficient,” Alex countered.

“Efficient? Yes, it is, but it’s also much more remote. You aren’t talking to anyone on a personal level. Instead you’re doing this magic act while keeping your distance from everyone.”

“Hey, let me tell you, telepathic communications are very personal. You experience peoples’ emotions bubbling up. You can taste their expectations, you can feel their desire to be loved and wanted. It may look like nothing, but believe me, there’s a lot more than you’re seeing by just looking at it.”

“Maybe so, but all I see is you becoming more distant, more remote all the time,” she observed, taking a bite out of her appropriated apple slice before turning to regard Alex closely. “The others were right. They’ve been telling me how much you’ve changed and I thought it was because of your fear of dying, but it’s more than that. You’re already preparing for death. If I didn’t know better, I’d guess you already know exactly when you’re going to go. I know that’s nonsense, but it seems as if you’re trying to prepare people for what you know is coming. As if removing yourself physically from their lives will somehow help them when you finally die.”

“Hey, let’s not go there,” Alex suggested, meeting her intense look with one of his own. “You’re the one who wanted to step out of my life in order to ‘prepare for my death’.”

Cate, unable to meet his gaze any longer, dropped her head back as she collapsed on the pillow, feeding herself yet another apple slice.

“Yes, that’s true. But when I heard what you’d been through and how much you’d changed while I was away, I realized it was stupid preparing myself for your demise. Pain is pain. When you die, it’s going to hurt no matter what I do. Adding to my own pain in anticipation isn’t going to make the pain of your death any easier to take.”

“Maybe,” Alex allowed as he finished off a peach, washed down with an additional swig of his drink. “But you felt you needed the break. Everyone needs to cope with it in their own way. I can see the effect it has on each of the girls. I’m not doing it merely because it’s easy on me. I’m distancing myself as a way of protecting them.”

“Yeah?” she asked, sitting up again, the apple in her hand forgotten as she waved it around for emphasis. “Who are you to decide what’s easier to face. I’m sure if I asked those girls, they’d each insist they’d rather spend the time with you now while you’re still alive. And if you were to ask them if they feel any better being rejected now instead of after your death, I’m confident you’d get a rousing chorus of nos.” Having finished her little speech, Cate fell back, closing her eyes as images of facing that moment herself filled her imagination. She tried to keep it from her face, not wanting to reveal how upset she was. Here she was, arguing with her brother when she’d hoped for a romantic welcome rather than an emotional fight.

“Maybe so, but I don’t think you’re picturing just how difficult it is going to be when it happens. The Seers are permanently tied into my brain, they can feel my emotions before I even have a chance to express myself. They’re all going to feel my death on a very intense, personal level. If I can help prepare them for it, subtly letting them know it’s arriving sooner than they expect, it’s just a small price I have to pay to ease their pain.”

“Face it, Alex. When you do die, they’re all going to agonize over it,” she told him, once again putting her arm over her forehead to keep the light out and Alex from seeing the tears which threatened to break out at any moment. “No amount of mental gymnastics is going to limit that in any perceivable way. You’re only doing it so you don’t have to feel their desire for just a little more of your time now.”

“This isn’t any easier on me, you realize,” he told her in a quiet, almost inaudible voice. But Cate heard it, and it tore her heart almost inside out. Rolling over once again, she wrapped her arms around him, suddenly unafraid to let her tears fall where they may, although she struggled to keep her voice steady as she continued.

“No, I realize just how difficult this is for you. Which is why I wish you’d deal with it here, with either me, Becky, Melinda, or even Gini. You need to deal with this. You can’t just wall yourself off like you’re trying to. It will only hurt you! And when you realize it didn’t prevent anything, you’ll miss the moments you ... lost trying to protect yourself,” she said, the tears now freely falling as she reflected on her own attempts to separate herself from her pain.

“It’s not that easy,” Alex insisted, cuddling Cate and drawing her close, helplessly clutching a banana and soda in his hands behind her back, even as he knew he had to finish eating them before long. “There’s a lot at stake here, and it’s no longer just me. I’ve got to think of everyone else.”

“Yeah, there it is,” she said dismissively, pulling back to stare into his eyes once again. “Your whole ‘it’s about all the unknown beings in galaxies far, far away who haven’t even been born yet’ speech. Just think about what a load this is putting on you. You are denying your own humanity by pretending your feelings don’t matter when it’s your feelings that have made you such a powerful leader. All your women know you care deeply for them. That’s why they relate so deeply to you. If it was just being impressed by your power, they’d jump in and out of bed with you and not think about it anymore. Instead they’re permanently tied to you to the point they’re willing to follow you into whatever next life you lead them into.”

Here Cate paused, considering her next words carefully. “Imagine what it must have been like for Jesus Christ—forgetting your disbelief for the moment. Imagine yourself in his shoes—sandals, that is. He not only knows in advance he’s going to die a horrible death and be betrayed by one of his most trusted friends, but he’s so busy thinking of what it will mean to each of his followers he can’t even grieve privately. He can’t simply take the easy way out, say leave town or swallow hemlock. Instead he believes it’s his obligation to suffer a horrid death mounted on a cross as dozens of people watch him suffer an agonizing death and cheer about it.

“Now, picture how much worse than that it was. Not only does he voluntarily accept that, simply because his people ‘expect’ it of him, but then after he’s enveloped the sweet release of death, his asshole of a father shoves him back down to earth, where he has to crawl out of his own grave and walk the Earth again, suffering on a moment to moment basis. Remember,” she reminded him emphatically, “he showed his disciples his open wounds, they never healed and they’d have been painful reminders of what he was forced to endure, not once but over and over again, not for himself, but for everyone else.”

“So what do you want me to do?” Alex asked, enfolding her in his arms again, allowing her to cry openly as she imagined him suffering through a similar fate. “Simply walk away from Jerusalem? How can I do that? My death isn’t at the hands of some Roman’s decree or the Pharisees’ demands, instead it’s because of what I did to myself. My death is sitting inside my own brain, delivering a continuous poison in a healing balm which keeps me going. I can’t escape it. There is no exit. So what choice do I really have? I can break down and cry, or I can dedicate myself to helping my people in the long term, helping them to continue after I die. If I shorten my life by a few hours by learning something that will help everyone who relies on me, then isn’t it worth it?”

“No, no it isn’t!” Cate insisted through broken tears and gasping breaths. “You deserve to face this on your own terms.”

“But these are my own terms, Cate,” Alex explained gently. “I’ve already made my peace with it. You can’t see it now, because you aren’t caught up in it yet, but after I’m gone, everything will be different. While you’re simply my closest friend, lover and confidant, once I’m gone, you’ll find yourself in the same role I’m in now. Everyone will turn to you in their hour of need and seek your direction, your spiritual advice. They’ll turn to you whenever they want to know what I’d think about something. They’ll ask you how I reacted to various things. And they’ll want to know what I want them to do next. And you’ll end up putting your own anguish aside because they deserve that much. You’ll find you simply can’t deny them that. And when it happens, you’ll realize the position I’m in now. This is bigger than the both of us, and this talk about ‘dealing with my own death’ is just that, it’s empty rhetoric. We both know I represent hundreds of people, and untold numbers who’ll come after me. We can’t be greedy in how we deal with our own deaths, because my death is no longer my own. It now belongs to all of us!”

At this point, Alex’s careful words did him no good as Cate transformed into a babbling wreck as she allowed her grief to overwhelm her. Alex pushed his food away. He realized it might cost him dearly later, but this was much too important a moment to waste worrying about himself. Cate needed him, and if he had a reaction from not eating on time, from not maintaining his physical energy, then it was a small price to pay. He wasn’t one to quibble about paying a bill he’d knowingly charged.

It took a long time, and Cate had to cry until there were simply no tears left. She eventually shook off her tears and sat up. But instead of allowing Alex to eat, she pulled him back down onto the bed and transformed her grief and agony into life again as she claimed his body for her own, basking in his physical and emotional love, getting him to shower her with the love he was withholding from everyone else.

And the love was ... spectacular. At first it was primal, rough physicality, a demanding plea for forgetfulness, but then it too transformed into a loving testament from Alex to his dearest companion, the one who would always be first and foremost in his heart. And never once did Alex concern himself with the need for food, though both he and Cate would remember it later, when he suffered convulsions hours later.

“Hmm, this is a tremendous way to wake up,” Winona murmured a day and a half later when she woke up, cuddling Alex’s chest.

“Yes, it certainly is,” he said, smiling down at her as he lay on his side beside her.

“You know, I really wasn’t expecting us to hook up again. I was surprised when you invited me back to your room after the concert last night. I’d thought you’d been avoiding me, and then when Cate showed up,” she said, her voice positively dripping with scorn when she said her nemesis’ name, “I was sure I wouldn’t stand a chance.”

“Well, you can thank Cate for that,” Alex told her, cuddling her against his chest where she continued to snuggle against him. “She pointed out how I’d been avoiding people and told me to get over myself and start reconnecting with people again.”

“Well, don’t blame me if I don’t start thanking her too soon,” she responded, eyeing him warily expecting him to defend Cate again. “After all, it shouldn’t take her say so to get you to spend time with your child’s mother.”

“Yes, and now that you mention it, there are a few other mothers of my children I need to renew contact with,” Alex reflected, his eyes already revealing his thoughts venturing to unknown places. “I’ve really been neglecting people recently.”

“Yeah, what’s up with that?” she asked, trying to yank Alex’s attention back on what was happening under him, rather than on nebulous figures thousands of miles away. “What the heck’s going on in your head which has you behaving so badly lately?”

“It’s complicated,” Alex sighed. “It’s a combination of facing my own death and dealing with remembering what it’s like traveling between worlds. It’s pretty heavy stuff and it changes a person.”

“Well, I must say I don’t like it,” Winona responded, pouting and wiggling her hips, trying to refocus Alex’s attention. “I prefer the old Alex better. He seemed ... I don’t know, more ‘real’, more authentic. This new you seems a bit artificial. As if you’re trying to be something you clearly aren’t. You’ve always been moody and preoccupied, but before it made you more human, more concerned with people. This new attitude makes it seem like you no longer care about anyone.”

“Yeah, that was Cate’s point,” Alex admitted. “But that was never my intent. I’ve just been thinking of dark things: death, rebirth, the pain involved in the process and the chances all my girls may not be able to cross over with me. It’s rather unsettling.”

“Well, don’t think so much about the afterlife then,” Winona insisted, turning away and lying against him with her head resting on his chest, staring up at the morning light streaming in the window. “My people have been communing with our people’s spirits for hundreds of years, and we don’t get so dark about it. Instead we embrace life. You can’t get obsessed with what you can’t control. I can tell you, spirits manage to reach out and touch our lives every day and we don’t require any rebirth in some other dimension.”

“I’m glad you’re so much more knowledgeable than I am,” Alex replied a little pointedly. “If I had your assurance, I wouldn’t need to be so concerned.”

“Exactly,” she cooed, ignoring the intended barb. “You need to focus on the good things in life. Enjoy those who love you. Return their love and enjoy life. You’ll live much longer if you focus on death less often,” she concluded.

Alex struggled, biting his lip and staring out the window rather than saying what was on his mind, choosing to bite back the reply about to slip off his tongue. As a result, silence descended for a few moments as both busied themselves with their own thoughts.

“Can I ask you a question?” Winona asked out of the blue.

“Of course, I’m always open to answering anything I can,” Alex told her.

“What do you think of forgiveness?”

Alex sat back and looked at her, wondering where the question came from.

“Well, it gets a little confusing,” he said, hedging a bit. “It’s not so much a question of someone forgiving you as much as it is you learning to forgive yourself. The key is you can’t transition beyond this Earth if you’re overly attached to the life you have here. That attachment can come from material attachments, a fear of change or from guilt. If you’ve behaved badly in this life, then the feelings that guilt generates—either a disregard for the feelings of others or feeling you can’t leave those you’ve wronged behind—will keep you from moving on.”

Alex took a moment to compose the rest of his thoughts, wanting her to consider what he’d said so far. “The problem is, when you die, if you aren’t prepared to move on then your soul essentially dies along with your body. The soul can’t exist without a body to support it, so it either needs to transition or it can’t continue to survive.”

“Well, even though I don’t believe in the God you reject, I still believe in spirits which aren’t tied to this planet, so I don’t have that fear,” she replied, thinking it over quickly. “But what I’m concerned with is you personally. Do you think you could forgive someone if they did something stupid in a moment of weakness?”

Alex considered that, wondering where it was coming from. Deciding he might know what she was getting at, he decided to take a chance with his answer.

“I think I know what you’re referring to, and yes, I could forgive you for hurting me. What I couldn’t forgive is if you hurt someone—anyone—I care about. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” she replied with a heavy sigh. “I’m not going to hurt your precious sister. She’s safe, at least from my hand, though I wouldn’t be surprised if she were to get herself in some serious trouble because of her rotten attitude.”

“Well, in that case, yes, I could forgive you. But I’ve got to emphasize, despite your personal beliefs in the spirits of your people, speaking as someone who has actually transitioned through the world of the spirits going from one body to another, there’s a lot more to the process than you’re assuming. I suspect you’re going to regret what you may do, or have done already, when your entire existence depends upon your attitude about this single event.”